January Sunrise

Taken from the warmth of my bedroom

Mindful(less)ness

Today I decided to be more mindful as I drove around town and I kept missing my turns! It turns out that I drive better when I'm thinking random things, basically on auto pilot, than when I'm noticing the car next to me and its particular shade of blue 💙💙💙

To Realize Life While We Live It

It has been freezing freezing lately.  But it makes it so the radiators keep steaming away and my bedroom gets so hot!  It's positively sweltering!  And then Matthew wants to cuddle and I just can't take it!  There really is no completely comfortable place in my house, temperature wise.  Perhaps if I stood in the middle of the stairway between floors... I could set up a cushion for reading.

We saw Our Town yesterday afternoon. Have you seen it?  It was amazing!  I've read it before and thought it was so boring -- it is, after all, depicting how regular life is -- but seeing it played out was beautiful.  

"Oh Earth! You're too wonderful for anyone to realize you.  Do any humans ever realize life while they live it?  Every every minute?"

Gah!  We laughed, we cried.  So good.

We took the day off from school today so it is a rest day for me.  I still have the two yoga classes, but no schooling is happening and the boys have friends over.  This morning they were being so ridiculous -- just random loud noises for the sake of making a racket and asking questions like, "Mom, how many bowling balls do you see falling from the sky right now?"  There were also lovely things like, "How is it possible that the big snowflakes look so much like overripe dandelions?"  But I finally had to say that I am so sorry, but I just don't have any capacity for nonsense today.  Sometimes that is just how it is!

Chiron

My oldest son is 23 years old and has gotten married and had a baby within the past year. In the last six months or so he has been obsessed with talking to me about the wounds from his childhood that I caused. He's told me not to feel bad (oh, don't worry! I do!) but that he just wants to heal them. Okay, fine. I try to not get defensive and just listen, say I'm sorry, but he does this every time we're together! In September when I went to help with the baby, he'd corner me and want to talk about it.

I understand that he has real issues -- I was very young when he was little, he's the 2nd of 6 kids so he was there for my grumpy pregnancies and difficult first years of babies, he was the only boy with 3 sisters until he was 12 and he liked to bug them, my husband was in graduate school and we moved often... I'm sure he bore the brunt of my immaturity, impatience, and exhaustion. And yet! I loved him! I cuddled with him, read him stories, took him to the park, traveled the world -- we lived in Japan, France, and Spain (is going to museums a wound, haha), was an advocate for him at school, went to chess tournaments, basketball games, cross country meets, rubbed his feet when he couldn't sleep, I didn't yell when he was smoking pot in his bedroom, have been so supportive of his strange post high school choices, not to mention feeding him and keeping him alive!!!

This past Christmas we had everyone here and despite a stomach bug, we had a great time being together. But, there he was again, when we were alone, bringing it up. And the last night he says to me, " Mom, I have seen your soul. I know you better than anyone and I know you're more than just a mean person." Uh... I was speechless. Is that supposed to be a compliment? I wouldn't even use that word to describe myself. Moody, maybe 🙂 but that's obviously how he sees me.

So I finally looked at his chart last night and the very first thing in his first house is freaking Chiron!!!! I have often said that he was born mad and he really was! And it's aspecting Pluto and the moon? At this point he seems to only be remembering the harder times which isn't accurate, but regardless, he definitely has Mommy problems. He never says anything like this to his dad.

Did we even have a chance? Is this just our journey together? Can this relationship be saved? 🤣😭🤣😭