Namaste

As I finish up my certification for the Restorative Partner Yoga from Bodhi Yoga, the world seems to be in complete disarray!  Every week there seems to be a new tragedy a new crisis and it feels so heavy.  I always hope that through the breaking, there will be space for the positive.  With the Pandemic I hope for new ways of running the world, new power structures, new ways of taking care of people, new eyes to see that the old way wasn't really working.  With the current protests against police brutality it is the same hope -- new power structures, new ways of taking care of our neighbors, new ways to see that there was so so so much unfairness and violence and it was not ever working for everyone in this country -- basically built for upper middle class white men.  Which, I guess, makes sense, since those are the people who founded our country, but!  They also claimed to be thinkers and to be Christian, so one would hope that the idea of treating other people who weren't exactly like them with dignity and respect was part of that original equation.  Every great religion and philosophy espouses the idea that one should treat others the way that one would like to be treated!  It is so basic, it is capital T TRUTH.  But basic isn't always simple, apparently.  I won't ever understand what it is like to be a black person in this country, but I will do my best to educate myself and my children, and stand in solidarity with my brothers and sisters.

I hope that by studying the partner yoga and all of the lovely side paths that go along with it, that I can add to the peace, love, and understanding on this beautiful Earth.  

Namaste 

Spring Flower Garland

Finished this really cute flower garland from Attic 24!  I love it so much.  Doing all of the leaves got a wee bit tedious, but really it was a fun little project!

May Day!

Received such a lovely bouquet from a friend -- Happy May Day everyone!

Spring Flowers!

I'm so so grateful to be back to the Springtime portion of our wheel 🎡🎡🎡 even if my garden is trying to kill me

Harmony

A variation of the harmony blanket from Attic 24 for the family of a dear friend who passed away too soon 💔 color choices based on what I had in the house... It was dicey at times, but I think it turned out okay in the end. Mostly I hope it's cozy and comforting ✨✨✨

Tiny Poem Tuesday: Shelter In Place

Tiny Poem Tuesday: corona virus edition :: ::
shelter
neighborhood swaddled by
morning fog keep in those
fingers and toes! faces, routines
dizzy uncertain squirrels balance on
branch ends freshly budded weak spring sunlight warms
quiet streets a tele piano lesson
in place
MFS 3.2020

Happy Birthday to Chiyaruzu

Happy Birthday to my life loving son Charles! Whose only birthday request was for me to write him a poem 


what better way to be
in your body than to feel
oozy mud murking
'tween fingers and toes,

than to wildly descend
careening hills without
considering the journey's end;

what better way to see
than to delight in dappled rainbows
stirring otherwise dormant halls.

I watch this boy, not boy,
solid citizen of the concrete
and corporeal
appreciate every morsel,
sliding open each new day
with a whoop of "ni wa!"*

what better way to dream
than to drift face up
in the Mediterranean Sea,
gentle wave nudging,
lost in the finding;

what better way to remember
than to relish only the
long worthwhile "whee!"

*2 year old American boy version of konnichiwa

Tiny Poem Tuesday: Friluftsliv

Tiny Poem Tuesday: Corona Virus edition :: ::
Friluftsliv, a new to me word encountered yesterday in this cocooned time of slow
seclusion: "fresh air life," an idea I can get behind as I tilt my head to identify the song of a newly
returned bird, Earth turning to absorb more light, periwinkles peeking through waxy greenness,
sweet blossomy scents perfuming evening air, whorls of fern and maple leaf
stretching and widening, spring tornadoes and earth shakings, the still leafless poison ivy blistering
the tender skin of my inner arm, microscopic virus settling into throat and lung.
aaaah, awe nature

Tiny Poem Tuesday: The Weight of Snow

Tiny Poem Tuesday: Corona Virus edition
::
::

I felt the weight
of snow
bending the hyacinths
as I brought my
first baby home,
full of love
and bewilderment;
the scent of witch hazel
and the smooth skin
of a newborn's neck
swirling around our little
nest, the fluttery chest
echoing my own
determination to live.

Now, as then,
topsy turvy time,
reckoned by
which window is
currently best for
sunbathing,
wondering when
was the last
time I brushed
my teeth.

mfs 4.2020

Happy Birthday Ella!

Happy Happy 26 to my eldest! She has been such an endless source of joy (after she stopped screaming!) and now she is getting ready to welcome her own sweet baby. Love you, Ella! Wish we could be together to celebrate!

Tiny Poem Tuesday: Crow

Tiny Poem Tuesday (it's Tuesday, right?)corona virus edition::::
Following the crow'sdistant flight, yellowtreasure dangling
from its ebonybeak, I'm gratefulfor the still bare
branches, gratefulfor the claritythat scarce sparsity
can bring, gratefulfor the chance to see, the chance
that this pause, this wide calm,has bestowed.

Happy Birthday to Phin!

Happy 12th birthday to our Phin-bin! He's funny and clever and curious and so so kind-hearted. Charles was 12 when he was born -- so happy to finally have a brother! All three of us are year of the Rat in the Chinese zodiac so we're double each other this year!

Yoga in Place

My goal was to finish my Restorative Partner Yoga Certification from Bodhi Yoga by the end of March (after the "end of the year," "end of the Summer," "end of last March..." goals were not met, eek!) so that I could bring the whole packet with me to Utah when we went for Spring Break.  Well!  All of our plans have now been dashed as we're being told that the best way to "flatten the curve" of covid-19 is to stay home.  We are so sad that we won't be seeing our sweet little families there -- Ella really wanted us to see her pregnant tummy!  And Clara is crawling and all sorts of other fun things.  But!  I would hate to be the cause of the virus spreading all across the United States, or give it to my parents!  So we are staying home for now.  I have one session left to do and one more blog post after this one!  So things are definitely getting close!  Hopefully I can use this extra time well to wrap it all up!

We are doing yoga every day at noon before lunch -- and so far everyone has been pretty cooperative about it!  Marvels and wonders!

It's Not About You

My sister, Ellen, is the one I credit with introducing me to yoga.  She sent me a Kundalini Yoga dvd and from there I bought some more and borrowed different videos from the library.  I loved how yoga made me feel and went through cycles of regular and not so regular practice.  It wasn't until I had been doing it for several years that I felt brave enough to attend a live class.  I didn't want to embarrass myself and I was so un-athletic that I didn't even have any active wear that didn't also include a hole in the backside.  But, when I was pregnant with my youngest we had a membership to a local health club and the membership included unlimited class attendance -- let's be honest, the cost of a yoga class was also holding me back a bit.  So I started attending the most lovely class ever and I tried to go twice a week.  I noticed that my body felt so much better through that long, uncomfortable, too old pregnancy and my mood definitely improved.  This most lovely class was taught by the one and only Tonya (angels singing, aaaaaah) and I must admit that she spoiled me to other teachers.  If she had to get a sub, or when she eventually left that location, I just couldn't enjoy another class quite as much.  All of this is to say that I get it, I get that she is wonderful... 

So, now to last Saturday.  Tonya and I now teach at the same yoga studio.  She was so encouraging to me as I started my yoga certification journey at Bodhi Yoga. I was intimidated by her amazing-ness and she would always say, "I have been teaching for a very very long time, AND you're not me, you're YOU!"  Which is true, right?  And she also pushed me to just get out there and get my teaching hours.  Literally made me do it.  Yes, I love her.  She hardly ever asks for subs and when she does, I had heard that some of her students will get up and walk out when they see another teacher show up!  Can you believe that?  It is insane!  So last Friday when she texted me personally -- not in the main teacher group thread -- to ask if I could sub for her the next morning so that she could attend a retreat in Wisconsin I said, "Sure thing!" (haha) because, even though those stories of students leaving intimidated me, I knew it would mean a lot to her.  I planned my class and tried to push down my nervousness, knowing people were getting up extra early on a Saturday morning for her -- for her!  And I totally understand, she is a great teacher!  

I get out of my car and there is a man exiting his car, fetching his mat out of the back... So he's woken up before 7:30, driven all the way there, has gotten up the gumption to get out of his car and then he sees me unlocking the door and suddenly stops.

"Are you teaching today?" he asks suspiciously.  

"Yes." 

"Well, I want Tonya," he whines.

"She went to a retreat."

"She didn't say anything about it on Wednesday.  I want Tonya.  I'm going to go," he pouts.

I reply, "You know, it is actually hard for Tonya to find a sub because of this kind of (gesturing vaguely yet pointedly in his direction).  It is nice for her to be able to go do other things sometimes."

"I just want Tonya." Childishly returns mat to back of car, gets into car and leaves.  

I also notice a woman sitting in her car, recognize her as someone who attends the class because she is also my friend's daughter's voice teacher.  Aha!  I never forget a face!  In a couple of minutes she also leaves.  Even though I was trying to steel myself for this eventuality, it still leaves a pit in my stomach and I start nervous sweating.  Who knows how many other people in the parking lot screeched out of there?  Probably hordes of them!  I quickly tell the other three students standing there as well as the next person coming in, that I'm subbing for Tonya  -- spitting it out to get it over with in case they decide to pack up their mats and hightail it out of there, but they all stayed, bless their sweet little hearts.  The whole thing left me shaking.

I was hoping that writing it all out would help me flesh out some sort of moral or life lesson, but it hasn't -- it is mostly an amusing anecdote!  But I guess what I could learn is to not be a jerk? I'm sure those people are perfectly nice and feel entitled to have a choice in how to spend their money and time, but do they realize how rude they're being?  How bad they made me feel?  How hard they're making it for their beloved teacher to take a little break sometimes?  It is really quite selfish.  So, next time you decide to set aside a little me time and do something for yourself -- like attend a yoga class -- remember that it is not only about you.  Very few things in life are.

Isabela Phoebe

I'm still, STILL, working on finishing up the hours I need for my Restorative Partner Yoga certification from Bodhi Yoga, but I am definitely getting there!  I think I only need three more!  Oh my goodness.  I am so so good at procrastinating!  It is indeed my greatest talent.

In my desperation I have turned to my family to be my guinea pigs.  I worked on Ibby for the first time in December and then she let me do it again the other night and there was something so sweet about it!  As I worked the sen lines on her legs and pressed the marma points on her arms I was reminded of when she was a baby and I'd rub her little body while she nursed.  I enjoyed her infancy so much!  We had just moved to this house and I finally felt settled after moving around for many many years.  We finally had enough room to stretch out and run around so we didn't feel so much like we were right on top of each other.  I also was taking my happy vitamins -- really it is fish oil -- but I was so so worried about experiencing postpartum depression again.  I had had it quite badly with both Charles and Lucinda, so I was dreading that baby time.  I had read somewhere that fish oil would help so I began to take it quite faithfully and lo and behold!  The dreaded depression and panic attacks never arrived!  It made such a difference!  And she was such a chill baby!  But I always wonder if it is a chicken and egg situation.  Was she chill because I was more calm?  Or was I more calm because she was chill?  She still is pretty mellow!  It is her personality for sure.  And the other two, are, shall we say, not, haha!

Anyway, it was really nice for me to be able to go back to that time, as it were.  Through the sense of touch I was able to recall that time so vividly and it was beautiful.  She is such a sweetie and I am trying to cherish these last couple of years with her home (sob, sob, sob).

Snowy Night

Here's to snow and not having the answers ❄️🌨️❄️

Snowy Night by Mary Oliver

Last night, an owl
in the blue dark
tossed
an indeterminate number
of carefully shaped sounds into
the world, in which,
a quarter of a mile away, I happened
to be standing.
I couldn’t tell
which one it was –
the barred or the great-horned
ship of the air –
it was that distant. But, anyway,
aren’t there moments
that are better than knowing something,
and sweeter? Snow was falling,
so much like stars
filling the dark trees
that one could easily imagine
its reason for being was nothing more
than prettiness. I suppose
if this were someone else’s story
they would have insisted on knowing
whatever is knowable – would have hurried
over the fields
to name it – the owl, I mean.
But it’s mine, this poem of the night,
and I just stood there, listening and holding out
my hands to the soft glitter
falling through the air. I love this world,
but not for its answers.
And I wish good luck to the owl,
whatever its name –
and I wish great welcome to the snow,
whatever its severe and comfortless
and beautiful meaning.

Valentine Sparkle

I hope that everyone had a sparkly day!

Robin Egg Blue

When I was doing my Restorative Partner Yoga training at Bodhi Yoga I really enjoyed the immersive aspect of the experience.  (I did a 10 day intensive course, and Syl Carson, the owner, also offers a course that meets on weekends over a few months).  I probably could have stolen away and gone back to my mom's house or had lunch with family, but I loved staying really close to the studio and not getting into my car for the whole day.  On the last day of the training, I walked across the street to my favorite little soup place.  It felt cold and loud inside the restaurant -- I can never really adjust to air conditioning, brrr!  So I took my food outside to have some quiet time (near the road, haha) and feel the sun burrow into my bones.  As I sat down, a small blue object caught my eye.  I bent down to see what it was and found the remains of a robin's egg!  I looked around and could not imagine where it possibly could have come from!  It was just lying in the rocky ground cover all by itself.  Don't they usually fall from a tree?  But there weren't any trees nearby.  So, I concluded that it must obviously be a message from the universe!  Of course.  I took the egg back to the studio and presented it to Syl as a gift, adding it to the objects on the main altar.  Later I looked up what the meaning could be and found this:

"Robin will incite new growth in all areas of your life, areas that have become stagnant and out-dated. You must believe in yourself as you move forward for if you do, barriers will disappear, and confrontations will be for show only. Robin will show you how to do this with joy in your hearts. Their song is a happy one, reminding you to let go of your personal drama and learn to laugh with life.
The robins eggs are powder blue. This colour is associated with the throat chakra in man and is also linked to heavenly inspiration. As the throat chakra’s main function is use as an expression of All That Is and the egg is symbolic of new life, you will be taught how to express yourselves positively in all you do. You will be lead to new beginnings without fear by restoring trust in yourself and your soul. Meditate on Robin and the right path will be shown to you."

I thought that was very applicable as I was ready to start out on this new path -- growing, the need to believe in myself, learning to laugh with life, and finding my voice in this new modality.  I still don't see myself as a healer, but as I have gone through this experience of getting my practice hours in, I have loved hearing how good it makes people feel, how restorative the sessions are, and yes, how incredibly healing this Partner Yoga can be.  Plus, it's my favorite color!  So, that is also a little kiss from heaven telling me I'm on the right track.  

January Sunrise

Taken from the warmth of my bedroom

Mindful(less)ness

Today I decided to be more mindful as I drove around town and I kept missing my turns! It turns out that I drive better when I'm thinking random things, basically on auto pilot, than when I'm noticing the car next to me and its particular shade of blue 💙💙💙

To Realize Life While We Live It

It has been freezing freezing lately.  But it makes it so the radiators keep steaming away and my bedroom gets so hot!  It's positively sweltering!  And then Matthew wants to cuddle and I just can't take it!  There really is no completely comfortable place in my house, temperature wise.  Perhaps if I stood in the middle of the stairway between floors... I could set up a cushion for reading.

We saw Our Town yesterday afternoon. Have you seen it?  It was amazing!  I've read it before and thought it was so boring -- it is, after all, depicting how regular life is -- but seeing it played out was beautiful.  

"Oh Earth! You're too wonderful for anyone to realize you.  Do any humans ever realize life while they live it?  Every every minute?"

Gah!  We laughed, we cried.  So good.

We took the day off from school today so it is a rest day for me.  I still have the two yoga classes, but no schooling is happening and the boys have friends over.  This morning they were being so ridiculous -- just random loud noises for the sake of making a racket and asking questions like, "Mom, how many bowling balls do you see falling from the sky right now?"  There were also lovely things like, "How is it possible that the big snowflakes look so much like overripe dandelions?"  But I finally had to say that I am so sorry, but I just don't have any capacity for nonsense today.  Sometimes that is just how it is!

Chiron

My oldest son is 23 years old and has gotten married and had a baby within the past year. In the last six months or so he has been obsessed with talking to me about the wounds from his childhood that I caused. He's told me not to feel bad (oh, don't worry! I do!) but that he just wants to heal them. Okay, fine. I try to not get defensive and just listen, say I'm sorry, but he does this every time we're together! In September when I went to help with the baby, he'd corner me and want to talk about it.

I understand that he has real issues -- I was very young when he was little, he's the 2nd of 6 kids so he was there for my grumpy pregnancies and difficult first years of babies, he was the only boy with 3 sisters until he was 12 and he liked to bug them, my husband was in graduate school and we moved often... I'm sure he bore the brunt of my immaturity, impatience, and exhaustion. And yet! I loved him! I cuddled with him, read him stories, took him to the park, traveled the world -- we lived in Japan, France, and Spain (is going to museums a wound, haha), was an advocate for him at school, went to chess tournaments, basketball games, cross country meets, rubbed his feet when he couldn't sleep, I didn't yell when he was smoking pot in his bedroom, have been so supportive of his strange post high school choices, not to mention feeding him and keeping him alive!!!

This past Christmas we had everyone here and despite a stomach bug, we had a great time being together. But, there he was again, when we were alone, bringing it up. And the last night he says to me, " Mom, I have seen your soul. I know you better than anyone and I know you're more than just a mean person." Uh... I was speechless. Is that supposed to be a compliment? I wouldn't even use that word to describe myself. Moody, maybe 🙂 but that's obviously how he sees me.

So I finally looked at his chart last night and the very first thing in his first house is freaking Chiron!!!! I have often said that he was born mad and he really was! And it's aspecting Pluto and the moon? At this point he seems to only be remembering the harder times which isn't accurate, but regardless, he definitely has Mommy problems. He never says anything like this to his dad.

Did we even have a chance? Is this just our journey together? Can this relationship be saved? 🤣😭🤣😭