I have a tiny tendency to worry about things. I worry about what to have for dinner and how much time I waste on the computer. I worry about my kids and how I don't parent them well enough. I worry about the horrible things happening in the world and my inability to do much about it. I worry about why my hydrangeas are only six inches tall even though I planted them three years ago. I worry about paint chipping off my house, water flooding the basement, what ward I'll be in next week (sorry I can't help but stew about it -- it could significantly alter my life!), and whether to reupholster the little chairs in the garage or just let them go. I also worry about completely inane topics like whether to leave comments on people's blogs. In February I mentioned that a very lovely artist was asking for people to submit stories about motherhood and she would paint little paintings about them. I was instantly intrigued and although I was a little hesitant to open myself up, I sent in a little story. She never responded, but I didn't think too much about it. I follow her blog and have seen her progress with these paintings and have eagerly awaited the end result. Yesterday she said that she was going to e-mail the people who sent in stories with their image and they had the chance to buy the original if they wanted. But she didn't e-mail me. I realized that in the back of my mind I have been worried that she didn't do mine because my story wasn't compelling or I'm just not cool enough. I worry about things I don't even know I'm worried about -- I will discover in July why my stomach hurts now! So I said something to Matthew about it. We carried on with getting people in bed. About an hour later I brought it up again, showed him her blog and wondered aloud whether I would get an e-mail from her.
Matthew: "Set a ten-minute limit in the day for worrying about any topic."
Me: (guffaw) What would I possibly find to do with all that freed up time? Should I comment on her blog? I'm not exactly sure what to say. I want to subtly figure out if she even got my submission without appearing too desperate.
Matthew: "tends to overplan and overprepare"
Me: I knew I should have just followed up with her just to make sure...
Matthew: "accepts guilt feelings too easily and readily"
Me: What are you reading?
Matthew: The color code book. You are SO blue.
Me: She seems so nice on her blog. Like we could be friends if I lived near her. I know she doesn't like me.
Matthew: Why wouldn't she like you? She doesn't even know you.
Me: She knows my name. It makes me sound like I am a boring, mousy, Amish farmer's wife with nine children and the only subject on which I am conversant is how to milk a cow. And I am sure that when I e-mailed her I was too chatty and friendly which probably put her off.
Matthew: "highly insecure about others' acceptance and approval; feels rejected easily; craves connection."
Me: Why are you reading me that book?
Matthew: I've been reading it all evening.
Me: Well, put it down!
Matthew: "controlling - others don't feel free to express themselves"
So I went ahead and commented, but she probably won't approve it. And I was going to go see Shannon Hale this evening because I just love her and think she is so talented and funny as all get out, but she will probably not like me, too and I am afraid that I would feel guilty for missing my girls' book night.
At least I am being true to who I really am deep down inside. I can't help myself.
8 comments:
You better be in my car at 5.
If someone doesn't like you it's their loss.
And, I absolutely understand everything you just wrote. But I have learned, just in the last two or three years, that worrying doesn't make the bad things go away. Try living your life with a little less worry and more prayer. It's actually quit liberating and definitely more peaceful.
I LOVE you Mousy Mary!
Oh Mary: You made my day! I have all those same worries too (I'm not sure if that will make you feel better or worse!) Well anyway, I love you no matter what!
How are the new puddle jumper shoes?
I sent Marisa off to get Shannon to sign her Princess Academy book just a few weeks ago. I wish I could stop worrying over the same kinds of things. Thanks for opening up your conversation with Mathew, you made me laugh!
Oh Mary...you crack me up. Reading your blog is a highlight of my day (when you have a new post). You are a very talented writer. I think you and Jen M. and Joy should start some kind of blog together or start writing a weekly column for The Pantagraph. We all have our own worries and insecurities...it is part of being a woman/wife/mother/friend. It will never change in this life. Embrace the fact that you actually care about people/things. Love you!
You know what? I worry about that kind of stuff too. I've tried to have a more "whatever" attitude, but I've learned that it is just part of who I am and what I do. But I try not to let the worrying prevent me from doing stuff anyway. I can tell you don't either. Even if you are worried, you take a deep breath, and try. And sometimes, that's enough.
Not to laugh at you, but hahaha, that is more of a laugh at myself for very similar things I do. I think he started making up those descriptions for fun at the end.
I feel certain, in my Shannon Hale worshipping heart, that she loved your guts!
And PS, try being named Jennifer! The number one most common girl name for like 30 YEARS! Now you know why my blog is Rowena's Rants.
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