Warren Dunes

I was somehow talked into helping drive the youth to Lake Michigan for camping and fun -- and it really was fun!  In the end... the 2 1/2 hour drive took a little more than 5 hours!  But with Chicago traffic and construction, there really was no way around it.  And the camping in the torrential rain with no nearby bathrooms wasn't exactly my cup of tea 😛   But other than that!  Delightful!

Sunday Speculation

Sitting in a church meeting and not understanding anything can be quite painful.  The time passes so so slowly and the kids (and I) get very antsy.  This past week I decided to start reading the Book of Mormon in Spanish because I thought it might help me learn some church-y words and aid in my "learning the language endeavors."  So far, it has done neither of those things since I can't seem to retain new words, but it has helped me read the familiar stories with new eyes.  Every year I try to come up with a word to focus on -- and usually it is a word that finds me!  Last year, it was Love.  Everywhere I turned, there it was, in books, movies, articles, people... Usually, the words I've chosen tag along into the next year so I have quite a collection at this point.  This year, the idea of non-attachment, or detachment, is my focus -- perhaps there is a better single word, but I haven't found it yet.  Already, I've had different aspects of the idea screaming at me from all directions and it was no different as I was reading in Nefi this past week.  Lehi and his family leaving absolutely everything behind really struck me -- their house, their land, their gold and precious things -- everything except for their family and provisions.  It could be more potent because, in a way, that is what we've done for a bit.  We're here with just a few things and we're really fine!  Hopefully when we go home I can take a better look at the things around me and let go of some non-essentials.  Or else I'll be so happy to see my things that I'll become extra attached!  It could go either way, haha!  Another aspect of the idea of non-attachment is to not be too dependent on the outcome of any situation -- I'm terrible about this!  So I'm trying to concentrate on simply being in the moment and observing what is happening around me.  This activity has helped immensely at church!  Once I let go of what I wanted to happen, it was much more enjoyable and we've really met the nicest people!  I've been going with Archie, so that is definitely the fun way to go.

The girl holding his hand kept yelling over and over, "Estoy loca!"  and she was completely crazy!  She kept hurling herself on the floor and the kids kept laughing and laughing.  The poor 22 year old teacher had no control whatsoever, but the sun was shining and the kids were happy.  We all let go of our expectations, let some nice love marinate around the room, and it was great.

Sunday Speculation -- yoga at church

A couple of weeks ago in church I was so restless.  And so so cold.  Why?  Why must church buildings always be kept at such a frigid temperature?  Is it a symptom of the male-centric position taken in other parts of the institution that only those wearing a three piece suit are catered to?  There are women with bare legs and babies -- babies, people!  So after sitting through Sacrament meeting there I was, sitting once again, in Sunday School.  It has been years since I haven't had a calling second hour so I'm not used to having to sit in one place for that long.  And my knees were bouncing up and down, attempting to create some semblance of warmth in the freezing tundra that is the relief society room.  I look around and see that everyone else seems to be sitting still and calmly, but then I see her -- my kindred spirit!  She's moving and contorting her body in all the ways that my body is yearning to and I watch her, fascinated, as she moves through one yoga pose after another.  She starts with a little downward dog to get things loosened up and then some squats, mmm that must feel nice.  Then she curls up into child pose for a while -- efficiently stretching and keeping warm!  Then she turns over for a perfect example of happy baby, waving her legs in the air whilst holding onto her little toes.  Perfect, because, of course, she is a baby and has license to behave in that manner in public!  I, however, do not and was left there to simply watch with envy.  And then to start imagining... everyone in the room just getting up and moving in every which way they felt compelled.  Listening to their inner voice, responding to the physical and spiritual prodding that one can only hear when the logical mind is turned off.  Ha!  It would be delightful!  And the imagery of all of the old and/or fat fuddy duddies jumping up and doing yoga poses got me through another hour of Sunday School, yay!

Where is the love???

This seems to be a theme with me lately.  I hear lots of stories of people thinking they can constrain others to make different choices through meanness or punishment and it gets me all riled up!  I met up with a friend who told me about another friend who had "come out" to his family that he was gay.  He tried aversion therapy, but it didn't work, so guess what?  They completely disowned him and forbade him from ever coming to any family thing again.  Nice!  I am sure that is what Jesus would do.  Then two days later I read this article about a family in California whose son said that he was gay and since there were already rumors about him being spread they just decided to be upfront about everything with the people at church.  Well, those righteous people decided that they would refuse to take the sacrament from this scared young boy and felt that they should tell the mom that her kids should be taken away from her.  Where is the freaking love?  I started walking around the house, singing loudly (which Matthew loved):

I'm trying to be like Jesus (unless you're gay or doing something else I don't approve of)

I'm following in His ways (unless you've got tattoos or doing something else I don't approve of)

I'm trying to love as He did (unless you're a feminist or doing something else I don't approve of)

In all that I do and say (unless you're being immodest or doing something else I don't approve of )

Those are just some of the topics I've heard people going on about angrily.  I guess my song is kind of catchy, but I don't really think that is the point of church!  I don't think we're there just to fill up time, go to meetings, and learn all of the rules and regulations!  I am almost positive that the main message in the Bible is about LOVE!  So I was so happy to hear Pres. Monson's talk on Sunday in which he said, "Love is the very essence of the gospel, and Jesus Christ is our exemplar."  Yes.  That is what I'm talking about!

my first pilgrimage

I just went to a three day women's retreat that was amazing!!!!  Oh my goodness!  It is called Midwest Pilgrims and a lot of them are feminists, but it isn't the main thing -- mostly they are women who think about things.  And the talks and the activities and the spirit!  Ack!  It was really incredible.  I kept thinking about how I would love to take Ella and Lucy with me next Spring.  I would love to share all that I learned, but I'm still processing some of the information.  We talked about gifts of the spirit, the divine feminine, how Christ is the ultimate healer, and how women were ordained to be healers by Joseph Smith, but it was eventually taken away (but it was part of our church for over 100 years!  It's our heritage!).  We also talked about meditation as a path toward higher spiritual learning.

We are leaving for Virginia in the morning since it is Spring Break.  Matthew had to teach this afternoon and I am teaching my class tonight so we haven't gone yet.  We haven't seen Rebecca since our reunion last summer so it will be fun.   It is supposed to snow so hopefully we will make it there without any issues.

Affirmations

This week was busy, but not very exciting.  Lucy turned 14.  A lot of us are getting colds so we're all snotty and head-achy.  Archie is still learning how to go to the potty.  At first, he was having pee accidents, but making it for #2.  Now it is the opposite.  Gross.  But he's doing well.  Saturday, Lucy had a birthday party and there were about 15 of her friends here.  There was a nice mix of church and school friends and almost half of the guests were boys.  She has a really nice group of friends.  They played Charades and even started singing around the piano while Lucy played, since a lot of them are in choir and she has accompanied them.  I was upstairs kind of laughing because it seemed like such a blast from the past -- from the 50's or something.  It made me happy.  We got that all cleaned up and then went to the Clay's house for a Mardi Gras party.  There were tons of people there and we had Gumbo, Shrimp Etoufee, and King's cake.  Whoop!  It was fun chatting with different people.  I have a new friend, Laura Gough.  I met her at Twin Cities Dance on the night Ella was set apart for her mission.   She overheard me talking about Ella and introduced herself.  She lives in the Normal ward and served her mission in Anaheim.  She is really nice.  So we talked about Ella and her son just got his mission call to Louisville, KY.  He is going to school in UT so she wonders if they realize how close his mission is to where his parents live.  Yesterday we went to church in the morning, but it had been snowing all night so there was hardly anyone there.  I looked around and could only see a couple of my sunday school students there so I was plotting to watch a video and not waste my amazingly prepared lesson on such a small number.  It would be to their benefit if I saved it for next week, right?  But the bishop took away my worries by announcing that the rest of church was cancelled at the end of sacrament meeting.  It was a little strange since it wasn't snowing anymore and we had all already risked our lives to be there, but I think it was because half of the teachers were missing anyway, that it would've been too crazy to figure out classes.  So we came home and the McLaughlin's came over for dinner and to play Settlers.  It was really fun -- except for the time that Matthew and Charles argued about a certain rule for about 10 minutes.  Enough already!  Right now I'm watching Charlie Clark while Syndy is at a doctor's appointment.  Archie is singing and playing, but Charlie is just staring at him.

I've told you I'm doing the Artist's Way, right?  Well, I had a little tantrum this past week because she is talking about how God wants to bless us with tons of things, but we're holding ourselves back.  I have a soft bed, loving people around me, a closet full of clothes, a pantry and refrigerator bursting with delicious and healthy foods... but there are people on this planet, now and throughout history, who from dawn to dusk, from birth until death, live in abject poverty and misery. So I "need" to go take tango lessons or go skydiving while some woman who was sold into prostitution as a child is simply not sending out the right affirmations? My whole life has been haunted by the "why." Why am I a Caucasian born into a wonderful family, free to get an education and do whatever I want with my life? Why do I have six healthy children and a loving husband? Why are there people who are hungry, hurt, scared, and lonely? Why should I be dissatisfied and want more?  But I've thought about it some more and realize that by not accepting God's abundance, I'm not able to share the love.  I need to be more open.  I was reading Mosiah 4 this morning -- I just love that chapter!  It has so much in there!  I like how it points out that we don't really know anything and that we're just supposed to love other people.  Love is the answer.  Always.

I got a new Book of Mormon for Valentines, haha!  It is pretty cool.  It is written in paragraph form, no verses, and it doesn't have footnotes.   Also, it is put in a different order -- the order in which it was abridged by Mormon, so it starts at the end.  Anyway, it is shaking things up a little bit for me and is easier to read for now.

not my idea

So I was officially released from my calling as RS president yesterday and one would think that I would be as pleased as punch, but I am really so sad about it.  I guess that proves that I am certifiably insane!  I've been crying all day.  It just feels so premature, so unfinished, so half-baked...  I didn't get my chance to shine and magnify!  I just figured out I have an inbox in the clerk's office for pete's sake!  We've been joking that I should have been referred to as the interim president the whole time, "I'm just filling in until they find the right person," or as simply the pregnant president since it spanned from the first day I knew until the week he was born.  I had so many plans!  So many great ideas!  And I wasn't going to be pregnant anymore!  The bishop claims that I am not being fired, and that it has more to do with Matthew's new calling as early morning seminary teacher + new baby + already having too many kids and he just didn't want to overburden our family when there are plenty of other people in our ward.  Fine.  Whatever.


The new president is coming over today to get the all the fun "stuff" that is required.  All last night I kept dreaming that she was coming to take the baby and I had to pack up all of his clothes and diapers, etc.  Matthew said it represents that my true calling is as a mother.  Ooh, deep. 


Now I have to worry about what is next, but not say the callings I don't want out loud, if you know what I mean.

the cosmic joke

And... the Stac(i)e(y)'s have it!  I wasn't going to tell people so soon, but I'm not very good at keeping secrets at the best of times (think of the surprise lady on SNL rocking in the corner, "Oh my!  Oh my!!!)  but then 1. I feel a little bit like the Incredible Hulk with the way I'm already bursting out of my clothes so it was only a matter of time before we'd be getting the awkward glances.  I have tired of trying to find clothes in which I don't look too pregnant -- I was terribly worried about Stacey's party next week, so I would rather just let it hang out.  My body remembers too well how to do all of this, I'm afraid.  2. I'm constantly screaming "I"M PREGNANT" inside my head which makes it difficult to conduct a civil conversation, etc.  I guess the screaming in my head could be because of the pregnancy, being RS pres, my schizophrenia coming on (where does your mind drift when you're not thinking of anything else?  Not algebraic equations, not trying to find the cure for cancer, nor what can I do to help someone else today, just "Aaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!"), hormones -- it is difficult to decipher.  And 3. I kind of don't feel very well and don't want everyone to think my very sour expression is just a bad attitude.


Yes, a few weeks ago, on the 15 of November, I took a pregnancy test right after Matthew left for his 6:30 a.m. meeting and then went back to lay in bed and mull things over.  We have our usual frenzied Sunday morning in which I try to get as much sleep as I can, let the kids sleep in a little, and still make it to 8:00 choir practice.  It rarely works.  This morning was no different as we rushed into the church, only this time as I careen through the foyer my husband is there and grabs my arm with a strange smirk on his face saying, "The bishop wants to talk to you."  And I just KNOW.  I quickly whisper, "I took a test and it was positive," hoping to give him -- the person who is supposed to be protecting me, the person who has probably known about this for a while -- a painful jab.  I don't look back, just march toward my doom, and soon break into hysterical laughter (I wonder how often the bishop gets that reaction?)  It was just too funny.  And I have since spent the last several weeks shaking my head at the cosmic joke the universe has served up.


I recently met a friend's mother-in-law and told her how many kids I have.  A few minutes later as we were talking more about her she told me that she has two kids and her daughter is pregnant with her fourth child.  After a pause, she added, "By CHOICE."  It seemed rehearsed, like something she feels it important to say to everyone, because surely they must be thinking that her daughter must not know how to prevent pregnancy, because no one in their right mind would have that many children.  Well, I am here to say that this pregnancy, too, is by choice.  Well, more of a mandate from heaven, but not an accident, as it were.  One major reason I was going to go ahead and ignore the very strong prompting was that I do not want one single, solitary person to ask me if I'm planning on having 20 kids, etc.  I just might have to kick them in the face and that my pull my groin or something.  Don't say it!


In looking on the bright side, I have decided that it is better for me to  be pregnant while I have this calling than not pregnant because it will provide just the buffer I need for people to overlook my usual incompetence and shortcomings.  At the best of times I'm not extraordinarily organized, clear headed, or good with time.   And if someone is particularly whiny I can just look them over and say, really?  Really?  This same excuse should last the duration since I will have an infant for a while, too.  Brilliant!

the good, the bad, and the ugly

The good:  You will never guess what happened.  All of my worrying paid off and Cassandra Barney really did send me that anticipated e-mail and really did paint my story!  I was so excited, and to think how faithless I was.  Horrible.  I will try to be a little more patient and restrained with my fretting in the future.  I went ahead and bought the painting so I think it would be okay to put it up here.

That's me feeling the love of my mothers.  I cannot wait to see it in person!  See how I am bridling myself in there?  The other good thing is that Shannon Hale actually mentioned us, US, in her blog.  We are her Normal fans.  Sweet.


The bad:  Our ward boundaries were changed today and we are a whole three houses in from the new border.  I really tried to be nonchalant and not over-ruminate on what the outcome would be, but deep down I couldn't let it go and I actually had three separate dreams last night about the big announcement today.  In one the Stake President decided to have the meeting on a boat -- I probably just needed to go to the bathroom.  I have wondered if this is what my funny feeling for the last month has been portending.  My stomach may have been aware of the changes in the ether long before my conscious mind did.  I know that it shouldn't be a big deal, but I really don't like to change when I am feeling all comfortable and relaxed where I am.  This happened when we had lived here less than a year and I don't remember being very concerned about it at all.  Was it just not as dramatic?  Why do I have no memories of the trauma?  Well, now we have lived here for almost seven years which is roughly fifty million times longer than we have lived anywhere else and it is dreadfully difficult to say goodbye to half of the people that you know and love.  We have been through thick and thin together.  These are the people who lift me up when I am down, who support me in my adversities, who were horrified that I showed up to church two weeks past my due date and made comments about how it looked like there were five babies in there instead of just one -- now that is just annoying, perhaps this is for the best.  To be perfectly honest, I really do think that the friendships I have made are strong enough to navigate geographical divisions and I was just relieved that we took a good percentage of the ward with us.  I really was afraid all week that it would be a big meeting to announce that our family was being moved.  Now that is a bit pompous, isn't it?


The ugly:

I went to the circus with some friends and they were shooting t-shirts wrapped in cellophane out to the crowd.  I was just sitting there, chatting as usual, while people around me were standing and waving their arms, when suddenly I saw a missile flying toward me and plop!  It landed right in my lap!  I never win anything.  This is why I don't even bother to stand when people are shooting prizes.  There really is no point.  First I was stunned.  And my second thought was how sad that my winning something quota for life was filled by this t-shirt.  Okay, it isn't that ugly and Lulu likes to sleep in it.  Let's finish with some nicer pics from our evening.

time out

I mentioned that I went with some of my church girlfriends for a much needed time out and here are some photos from our trip.  

We travelled to Indianapolis for an evening session, dinner, late night chatting

And then more speakers and music the next day.

It is so great to have such good friends and relax a little -- even with some laughter and tears.

the dregs of my camera

Aah - back to crazy busy insane hectic bustling ridiculous normal.  And it is actually really nice.  I do miss one of my kids quite a bit -- it was marvelous to have no competition for a few months.

Matthew, I mean Philo, was in NYC for about 4 days last week and things are a little more hairy when he's gone.  Single mothers (that includes women who's husbands travel all the time) are heroic.  Two school mornings with me gone to seminary and then getting back to wake people up (a little later than normal) and three different school start times, etc.  Also I did a yard sale with my friends like last Spring and it was really fun.  Getting it ready isn't fun by any stretch of the imagination, but running it is certainly amusing.  I love to observe and interact with all of the interesting characters who stop by.  However, I was completely exhausted and can only imagine, and sympathize with, how my friends felt with new baby, pregnancy, what have you.

The last two weekends I have felt so uplifted spiritually and hope that I can keep the feeling.  We had General Conference the first weekend in April and then Stake Conference on Saturday and Sunday this week.  So wonderful!  I need it so much.  I'm all antsy or something.  Hopefully it is just excitement for the future and my potential, right?  I don't know.  I really do feel all fluttery in my tummy like something is about to happen.  It's probably just SPRING!

Some more pictures.  I promise these are the last.  Two days before we left I went on my usual walk.  My sister-in-law, Stacie, also has some great photos of our neighborhood on her blog -- she is a real photographer as opposed to my feeble attempts at capturing the grandeur and magnificence.  There are a few different posts from their trip if you scroll down.

::I always started by going on the street just above ours

::I miss that mountain!

::it made be hard to tell, but this car is REALLY little

::our rock -- we had made a goal to climb up there every day of our stay, but didn't quite make it every day

::this was never open that we could see -- just liked the sign

::one of our favorite paths to the boulangerie

::I loved all of the doors

::our across the way neighbors

::so sad I never saw leaves on the trees

::they took all of the plaster off of this house down to the bare stone and then proceeded to replaster -- I won't ever know what color it eventually gets painted

::a stained-glass workshop -- I peeked in a couple of times, but she was always working

::and back to our house to a door so familiar yet we will never open again -- it is amazing, but Phin would always run ahead and then come to a screeching halt in front of our door -- I was amazed that he knew our door amongst all the others -- there were probably some identifiers below 2 feet that I missed

john doe

Yesterday our doorbell rang and we knew that it must be the long-awaited friend of our landlord and, by association, our one and only friend in France.  His name is Jean-Dominique, but goes by Jean-Do.  He had been on vacation when we arrived, but we had expected him any time.  He came in and fixed our internet connection (yea!) so that we don't have to go to McDonalds anymore (yea!) and buy three sundaes for the 7 of us (yea!) instead of spending $10 for one combo meal (yea!).  Then he went with me to the post office so that I could get a money order to send to the transportation department for my delinquent tolls (yea!).  What a relief.

We do have some other semi-friends.  The neighbors who say bonjour then quickly look away.  The lady at the boulangerie who always tries to get me to buy less baguettes until I explain that I have une grande famille.  The cashier at the grocery store who absolutely positively will not allow the little carts to be taken out to the car even though I promise I will return it after it is empty because I forgot to bring my bags ~~ they have no free grocery bags here in France.  Anywhere.  I think that is wonderful and I am completely prepared for this with my handy envirosax.  However, I am not in actuality prepared for this at all since I always leave them somewhere in which I am not.

We also have some future friends at church.  Everyone was so friendly.  Charles was hoping that we wouldn't be noticed and could we please not attend all three hours.  He knew all was lost when he saw the size of the ward, the fact that everyone greeted us, and also when the bishop announced in Sacrament Meeting how long we were staying and that all Americans are named Smith.  The YM pres. was the most excited to meet Charles and kept popeye-ing his arm while saying super (as in pair, not purr) and making the deal that he would learn English if Charles will learn French.  Charles will be the only deacon.  There are 6 YW including Ella and the primary is tres, tres, small.

put in my place

 I love Sundays because the time feels somehow different and the afternoons are quiet and long.   I am so thankful for church!  Every week it is a little crazy to get there and there is often some regret about my behavior as I urge the children to get ready in time for 8:00 choir practice without dad who has been gone since 6:30.  I am sure that I seem quite surly before the meetings begin, and perhaps still in the middle as I wrestle with baby and shush chatty girls, but then there is always something that pulls me back and really speaks to me.  Often during one of the talks I will feel chastened, but that is lightened by hope that I can and will try to do better.  Last week there was a talk about how important our families are and that home is a place where we should feel safe.  Yes.  And then there was a talk about how if we don't have our ultimate goal in mind and a way to get there, it is very easy to get off track.  She gave an example of an airplane flying to Hawaii.  If the plane starts flying just a few degrees off course, then it would end up in the middle of the ocean and probably run out of fuel.  Hmmm.  It makes one think.  Yesterday there was a talk about pride.  He started by saying that often we don't feel like we are too proud because we don't have excessive amounts of money.  When they mention costly apparel and ornaments I feel quite smug because I'm not the Queen of England and shop at Goodwill for heaven's sake.  Certainly this is not directed at me. But even that self-satisfied and complacent attitude are symptoms of pride, the pride of someone from the bottom looking up.  He quoted Ezra T. Benson:

[Pride] is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous. 

And I start squirming....  but it is a good discomfort, an impetus to start planning and plotting to overcome my weaknesses and become more focused on what is important.  I was telling Matthew that if I really did think that we were going to die on our trip I would probably be living my life differently ~~ dropping the unessential, serving, and loving.  So I must not really think that we will go down in a fiery crash.  I just keep talking about it so that it won't happen since nothing I actually intend to do works out anyway.  My evil plan.

Good Friday

Happy Good Friday!  My kids are home from school today which I always love.  We have had a relaxing morning and look forward to having essentially two Saturdays!  I made asparagus omelets for breakfast and later we will dye Easter eggs and get ready for the holiday.  I found this recipe for Resurrection Rolls.  We made them for Activity Days last week and I am going to make them again with my kids.  They are a finger-licking, lip-smacking way to teach a lesson so what more could you want?  I really love Easter, maybe because I love Spring so much, but also because the Easter story itself is so full of hope and promise.  Last weekend during our church's General Conference so many of the talks were about Christ and how we can have hope and happiness even in troubled times.  Pres. Monson wins the prize for telling the all-time saddest story I have ever heard(!) in his talk entitled Be of Good Cheer.  So after we picked ourselves up out of the puddle of tears (war, grrrr), we could see that even in the most trying circumstances we can find peace.  It is hard to remember that sometimes and very good to be reminded.  Happy Easter!

Mysterious Ways

On Sunday I had got to teach the lesson. When I woke up I prayed that everything would go well and that I would feel confident and prepared. I then proceeded to calmly get ready for church. Ha - Picture if you will a typical Sunday morning. Matthew leaves in the wee hours, five other people clamoring for privileges in the one bathroom, girls arguing, baby holding onto leg (mine) screaming, no one breakfasting, sliding into the pew at two minutes to 9:00 with a sigh... But that wasn't where I was going with this. So the baby hadn't been fed in all the commotion so I head into the mother's lounge for a little snuggle, leaving the other kids to fend for themselves which doesn't always work out, and smallest girl was eventually brought in by oldest girl to join me. Again, not my point. I feed the baby, sit him up, pat his back, and soon he spits up all over my shirt and down into my lap. And it isn't somewhere as acceptable as my shoulder, just right smack dab down the middle. He has drifted away from being so explosive so of course I had nothing to wipe it all up. A friend kindly offered some wipes, but it still left its mark. Oh no! I knew I was soon going to be standing in front all of the nicely dressed women with my lovely white badge proclaiming to all the world that yes, I am the mother of a small child. I rush everyone to their respective classes, make copies for my lesson, go sit down in Sunday School and soon it is time for another feeding session. I find myself once again in the lounge, funnily enough with the same friend, and exclaim as I notice that I have had my shirt on backward for the last two hours! I am filled with chagrin. It seems I cannot even dress myself properly. My friend then points out that since the front (I mean the back that was on the front... are you following this?) is dirty, I could now just turn it around. Genius! And since my lesson was on the talk Pray Always we figured it was a great example of the power of prayer. I prayed and then since Heavenly Father knew what was going to happen, the Holy Ghost inspired me to put my shirt on the wrong way so that I could then switch it and wear the fresh side while I taught. He knew that I probably wouldn't have even thought of turning it around to be backward after the "incident," but maybe next time I will...

Serenity now...

I received a new calling at church, but I get to keep my old one as well. I have to wonder, am I not projecting my stress well enough? I need to do better! My friend commented that I seem patient so I decided to respond here so that the other two people who read my blog can benefit from the exchange. I had to laugh because a few other people recently said similar things -- that I seem like a peaceful person, that I have it together, that they cannot imagine me yelling at my kids, etc. I have no idea how I exude this tranquil air, but I assure you it is false and misleading. And almost every little thing causes me anxiety. Take paper for instance. It seems innocuous enough -- thin, flimsy, perhaps a pretty color -- but when you have it floating in through the mailbox and waltzing merrily into the house via children's backpacks pretty soon you have piles and piles of paper overtaking every available surface and it becomes like the rope made up of lots of tiny strings, you could have broken one, but together they are too strong and it can strangle you! So I have an overabundance of paper and some of them require careful consideration, but my overtaxed brain cannot discriminate between what is important and what is not. The papers I like the least come from school. They are always filled to the brim with commands (it is REQUIRED that your child has an eye exam, a dental exam, 50,000 inoculations, but we will not do it here, we are giving you an errand, you need to look up the dentist's phone number, make an appointment, remember to write it down, remember to go, take their piece of paper, have the dentist sign it, return it to the school or else your child will not get their grades-- don't get me wrong, I do take my kids to the dentist, but on my own schedule and my own volition because I can be trusted to be their parent despite what the state of Illinois may think!) or entreaties (please, please, please purchase this for our fundraiser from a company that uses children to sell their overpriced rubbish so that your kids can have 5 % for their school) when all I really like to see coming home are their beautiful Thanksgiving vests made of brown construction paper. It is a small percentage I assure you. Okay, now I don't even remember what I was initially talking about. Oh, being calm. I guess I reserve my tirades for the privacy of my own home. I assume most people are like that so I am always taken aback when I see women completely losing it in more public settings. I just shake my head judgmentally (inside, of course -- I don't want them turning on me!) If they are acting like that in the grocery store where one might be more naturally reserved, what must they be like in private? Let's give them the benefit of the doubt and say that they either get really tense while shopping and are unusually stern or they are exhibitionists and save their performances for all of us. I digress yet again. Perhaps it is time to wrap this up and tie it with a little bow (to keep it tightly confined, don't untie it or it may burst all over you, like every time I open the cupboard and things slide out and something heavy hits my pinky toe just right).

Weekstart

It is Monday again -- kids off to school √ , laundry in washing machine √, renewed dedication to diet √, writing in blog √, reading all my friend's blogs √, round of word challenge √. I guess I need to make a list of all of the important things I should be doing.

We had a whirlwind weekend trip over to Nauvoo. It was really nice that the gas prices are so low!!! Can you believe it? Every time I pass the gas station I want to pull in and buy some and am disappointed when my tank is full. So it was a good time to go for a long drive. It is always crazy how much preparation is required to stay over one night. You might as well go for a week as for a day. I am sure our hosts were glad we didn't come for a week. We stayed the night at our friend's house. They were so hospitable and kind, we felt very welcome and comfortable. We knew the Stout's in Japan and it is so nice how easy it is to slip back into familiarity -- even the kids who had never really met! They all just woke up and started playing with no awkwardness. I love it! Matthew took all of the older kids to do baptisms and then he and I went to a session. It was really nice to go to the temple. I hadn't been since before the baby. It was lovely, calm, and peaceful. I always feel renewed -- until I lose my temper in the car on the way home. Oops! So THANK YOU Julie, Brock and fam! I appreciate you watching the kids, yummy food, good conversation, etc. etc. You have a beautiful home and family.


I got a new camera. It is always an agonizing process for me. I look on ebay for good deals, but inevitably miss the end of the auction. I search the web for the lowest price then my husband comes along and tells me the cheapest place also scams people. I eventually just went to a store in town which is just a little too simple for the way I operate. As I was researching what to get, Charles asked, "Were you going to buy a new camera before I was playing around with yours and the next time you picked it up it didn't turn on?" Actually, that is not exactly what he said. My reply was, "No I was not even considering getting a new camera!" But I can't miss baby moments and Charles seems to be changing as much as the baby is. He is suddenly so big and tall I am surprised he isn't in pain! So I have a new one and here is the inaugural pic and one from the car.

conference, ice skating

We had a wonderful weekend and for once managed to watch all the sessions of conference. I loved so much of it -- especially Elder Eyring and Elder Holland, and of course, Pres. Monson. There were so many good things and I always vow to do better, but then we couldn't even quite make it through dinner without contention -- wait, we couldn't even get through most of the talks without something going on. We were giving the kids candy for answering questions and being reverent, how's that for choosing the better part? The little girls played quietly and were serving us pretend tea and cakes, drawing, and playing with barbies. Ella worked on friendship bracelets. Baby was delightful to watch as he would go back and forth from one person to another making funny noises and perfecting crawling over legs. Charles was having a little harder time -- wanting to draw, but instead throwing pens at people's heads; wanting to hand out candy, but instead throwing candy at people's heads; wanting to play with cars, but instead... There was definitely a theme in his activities. We also had the inspired idea to put together the incomparable "Cansolidator" that I bought for our food storage, but that wasn't conducive for listening very well so we put it off for the breaks and I just have to say that it was as much fun as those things usually turn out to be. It still isn't quite finished.

I took the girls and baby ice skating while the boys went to the priesthood session Saturday night. They did so well! The little girls had never been and both did great. Lucy has roller blades so that obviously helped a lot. Ibby came in and out, but seemed to enjoy herself. I sat under the heater and chatted with some friends so we all won.

My mom turned 75 yesterday (she doesn't even dye her hair!) and I tried not to think too much about everyone having a party without me. I really miss being close to my family at times like that. It seemed even worse yesterday because I always want to get together with family on Conference weekend anyway. I think my parents are amazing. Everyone is always surprised when I tell them their ages. When asked what my mom would like to be doing in ten years she said that she hoped she wouldn't be here, but I really hope she is. You're still going strong, mom! I love you and Happy Birthday!

Indulgences

I really like to read, but lately I haven't been able to indulge as much as I would like. There is always so much to do! Last year at this time I was going through books like wildfire, but I was pregnant. So I wonder how much I was accomplishing around the house because not only was I generally recumbent, I was moving in slow motion while upright. Now I feel like I am manic all day and still nothing is getting done. The moral? I don't know, but it doesn't look good for efficiency. I have a very long list of books that I would like to read and perhaps I might start a sidebar in their honor -- mostly to help me remember them. My sister (and other friends, but I am afraid she is the winner) sends me her reviews from Goodreads and I always want to read all the books she recommends.

Last Friday I went to Goodwill for the first time in months. For me that is truly astonishing. I have often driven by and made myself turn the other way because I do not have the time, the money, nor the space which is required. I had to drop some things off (see, I am getting rid of things!) so I thought I would just run in for a minute because I needed to find a coat for the baby. Oh, I found so many great things. I bought two nice skirts that Ella and I wore to church yesterday, some Halloween costumes, and the best thing was that just as I was remembering the coat and visualizing it in my mind, I turned around and there it was -- innocently hanging there as if waiting just for me. It is totally hip and even has fluff around the hood. Cool.

We have been suffering through a lingering cold at our house. It isn't horrible, but enough to make one feel lethargic, achy, out of sorts, and my worst symptom of all -- I cannot taste! I hate it. There were a couple of days when I couldn't taste anything and I didn't really want to eat. I came to the realization that I do not eat merely for nutrition -- to stay alive for heaven's sake. No, I just want to relish the magnificent flavors of delicious food. Mmmm. I think that if I lost that sense I would try to find some foods that were highly nutritious, low calorie, and texturally interesting. But it would be a terrible loss. I would deeply lament one of life's greatest pleasures. On Friday I went to a friend's house and everyone had brought appetizers to share. I thought I would be fine not eating anything, but everything looked so delectable. Finally, I asked her if I could take some Sudafed and sure enough in 30 minutes I could taste and it was so wonderful! I just tried not to think about the fact that Sudafed dries up my milk whilst drying out other things. "He won't get much milk if I don't eat anything either." I rationalized quietly to myself.

I was given another chance to overeat on tasty little tidbits at the dessert buffet sponsored by our Relief Society preceding the Women's General Broadcast. I tried to watch my intake all day and then make reasonably good choices while there ("I won't take some of the carrot cake," I think self-righteously as I surreptitiously grab a brownie, a raspberry topped cookie, some puppy chow, and some apple crisp, hoping my sanctimonious self won't notice the relapse). I thoroughly enjoyed chatting with everyone and then loved, loved, loved the messages given. Sister Beck reminded me that I do have faith and strength and everything will be okay. Elder Uchtdorf assuaged my guilty feelings at leaving my family for my art class by insisting that all of us deep down yearn to be creative. It always astounds me that at Conference they are talking to me. Little old me! There was so much discussed that I have been pondering lately! I cannot wait for this coming weekend and hope that we can all be mellow and enjoy it. Usually, almost always, without fail, we all get grumpy with one another. Is it -- Satan? (said like church lady, bien sur).