you give me fever

I think I mentioned that I was feeling restless and fluttery -- well, the feeling hasn't gone away and has actually somewhat intensified.  It feels as though I am almost, but not quite, to the cusp of the first steep hill of a roller coaster -- there is excitement for what one hopes to be thrilling and fun; there is the foreboding pit in stomach brought on by speed, the unknown path ahead, and the potential danger (how did I get talked into this?); and there is pent up energy knowing that release and liberation from anxiety lay just ahead.  It is a strange brew of happiness, trepidation, and gloom all mixed together so that none are separated and at any moment I could break out in laughter or tears.  Truly on the verge of hysteria.  I have no idea why I am feeling this way.  Is something hard about to happen?  Scary.  Is something amazing about to happen?  Exciting.  Am I losing my mind?  Quite possibly.  The last is most credible since I highly doubt I am so in harmony with the universe that my stomach is foreseeing the future.  A week ago I guessed that it could just be Spring and I have since become even more convinced that that must be exactly what it is.  It is so amazingly gorgeous around here!  I wish the blossoms weren't so fleeting and the heat last week hadn't burnt the daffodils before their time.  After my walk a few days ago I decided to read on the patio and came upon this description in A Separate Peace:

 "...there was a breath of widening life in the morning air -- something hard to describe -- an oxygen intoxicant, a shining northern paganism, some odor, some feeling so hopelessly promising that I would fall back in my bed on guard against it.  It was hard to remember in the heady and sensual clarity of these mornings;  I forgot whom I hated and who hated me.  I wanted to break out crying from stabs of hopeless joy, or intolerable promise, or because these mornings were too full of beauty for me, because I knew of too much hate to be contained in a world like this."

Big sigh.  Yes.  I hadn't been able to put my finger on it, and certainly hadn't been able to put it into words so beautifully, but it must be that oxygen intoxicant -- that rapturous blend of apricot blossoms, longer days, lilacs, warm breezes, and untapped potential.  I have self-diagnosed spring fever.  Now what to do?

One way in which I am channelling the pent-up energy is by trying to lose weight.  I know, the "D" word. I am so tired of worrying about it, but I not only hadn't lost baby weight before our adventure, I also weaned the two year old not so baby and probably ate a few more baguettes than what was expected or required and thus came back with a few extra pounds.  So I am determined to live a new life, be a new me.  I am doing yoga and walking for an hour almost every day, not eating sugar (any!) or flour, and resisting the urge to buy a bigger size as much as I would like to fit into the clothes that I wear.  I even went away for the weekend and was such a good dieter -- going so far as to abstain from the chocolate molten ice cream brownie thing -- dedication at its height!  I highly expected to see great results on the scale this morning only to discover that much to my dismay and chagrin I had regained two pounds!  My body doesn't seem to realize that I am on a tight schedule here and even two pounds lost a week isn't going to be fast enough.  Definitely a setback, but forging ahead and vowing to not eat cake tonight even though it is my bug's birthday -- he is 14 -- we sure do love him!

Does This Calzone Make Me Look Fat?

Yesterday I decided to have the Weight Watchers brand frozen entree "Calzone Italiano" for lunch. I saw it at the store and thought, "Wow, that looks pretty good for 6 points. I will try it." I opened the box and noticed that it contained two calzones. Oh, good. I looked down at the instructions and here is what I read: "Remove one Calzone (one serving) and one sleeve from plastic wrapper. Return second Calzone to the freezer." (Bolds and italics snidely included).

Here is what I heard: "Listen, we know you have a weight problem or else you wouldn't have bought this delicious looking product. However, you cannot possibly imagine that both pieces of this cheesy goodness would be allowable within your alloted points. We know that you wouldn't have ended up in this situation if you possessed any semblance of self-control and/or the ability to read your body's cues, so here is what you need to do. You need to quickly wrap up the second calzone and pack it tightly back into the box. Now do this at once before you have inhaled it without realizing. Next, you need to run over to the refrigerator (the thing that got you into this mess), open the freezer door, launch the remaining calzone into any available spot (we know there probably isn't much room since you are more than likely hoarding chocolate in there), resecure the door, and back quietly away before you do any more damage."

What a bossy box! I don't know if I have ever before encountered a box with such explicit ideas about what I can and cannot do with my own food. How did it know if I was going to share it with someone (I was) or how did it know I wasn't going to throw caution to the wind and eat an entire 12 points in one sitting?

Later in the evening, Matthew came home and had heard that they were serving free pancakes at IHOP in honor of National Pancake Day. Who knew? So, of course, we all piled in the car and went. Forget that it was already past the girls bedtime, forget that the youngest three were already in pajamas, and forget that the two eldest had homework. It was fun, it was late, we all ate every last bite. We weren't hungry but it was free and it was there. Ah-ha, dear Watson! I believe we have discovered the root of our problem.

What kind of diet?

For years we have been trying to have regular family scripture reading. We do not have lofty ideas of how the time should be spent -- it often includes flared tempers and hurt feelings, inattention and pointed stares -- we merely want to go through the motions on a consistent basis. Last year we finally had a good rhythm with reading in the mornings, but this year with early morning seminary that went out the window and with crazy schedules, the evening has been difficult as well. Starting in January we decided that every time we read for five days in a row we will take the kids out for a treat. There really is nothing like a little bribery because everyone has been on board for this one. Steak n' Shake has been having 1/2 price shakes in the afternoon from 2-4 so I took the kids over there to get some shakes. We all came home and Matthew asked me if I got one, too. Well, yeah! I got a banana split shake -- hand-dipped banana ice cream with fudge sauce, whipped cream, peanuts, strawberries, and a cherry on top. It really hit the spot. Then he asked, "Exactly what kind of diet are you on?" Ummm, I don't know. I was at Steak n' Shake. They have really good shakes. What on earth was I supposed to do, not get one? But I suppose I need to try to remember what my ultimate goals are. I have been having a hard time so I joined Weight Watchers this morning. The leader was really a hoot and I mean that in the nicest possible way. Wish me luck.

After we go for our second round of shakes this afternoon, that is. Aren't we doing great with our reading? We will be saintly and stout. And this time I will bring one home for Matthew so he won't be asking the impudent questions.

Cri de Coeur

I try to be the kind of person who doesn't get all giddy about fictional characters, however I recently viewed the best movie ever! And I think I am indeed slightly giddy about the leading man. The film is "North and South" -- BBC version, not about the civil war, totally, completely, could not be more, different thing entirely. Anyway. It was very well done and it contains the absolutely most romantic scene I have ever seen in a movie. I cried, it was so, so utterly perfect. I read the book last fall and thoroughly enjoyed it and, as with many books, I assumed the movie would not do it justice. I was wrong and even though they changed it, it was -- dare I say it? -- even better. So with your next spare four hours, you just might want to check it out.

Speaking of crying during movies, Ibby does. It is quite endearing. Twice during the Christmas break she was watching movies and bawling. I, of course, immediately conjecture that one of the other children are misbehaving. I storm in, "What is going on here?" Huffing, puffing, etc. Ibby, who can hardly talk, says haltingly, "Her dad had to go away." (That was "Kit Kitteridge"). Ahhh, there, there, dis doodness (as my mom would say). How cute. The other tear-jerker was "Spirit." Like mother like daughter, and I am like my father. Just passing down the lacrimal glands. I know a new word there for all of you to enjoy.

Today is the beginning of a new diet -- oh, I mean lifestyle -- and I mean to really stick with it this time. This morning as I looked down at the bulk around my middle I started to think disdainful thoughts about it, but then I stopped myself and thought how immensely grateful I am for my body. It has brought five children into the world, it does lots of work every day, it hardly ever gets sick, it hugs and holds and loves -- so I need to love it back and not be so negative . I hope that by changing my tune in this way I can take better care of myself and stay motivated for all the right reasons.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everybody! We ate our requisite black-eyed peas and cabbage to usher in prosperity, but what I really wanted was some mochi! I will just have to imagine that for now. I am really excited for the new year. I look around my house and feel like we have never had quite so much chaos. My husband said this morning that he doesn't know if we are spiraling out of control or if we are on the cusp of something wonderful. I will choose the latter. We are redoing our basement so everything that belongs there is now somewhere else. One of the things that belonged there was Matthew so he is now working upstairs in the little t.v. room and the t.v. is in the living room, and the... Bert says, "Ernie, why did you put a pot on my head?" "Because I broke the cookie jar." "Where are the cookies?" "In the sugar bowl ..." (I mentioned this famous dialogue to someone the other day and they had no idea what I was talking about. If you, too, have never had the privilege of witnessing this great drama played out firsthand, you can find the full transcript here, but only if you're really bored and don't have to go vacuum or something). That is my house at the moment, but I am trying not to get worked up about it since it is leading to a better tomorrow (well, the basement won't be done tomorrow, we'll say summer).

I saw on a blog (Tip Junkie) an idea to have a word of the year, and she is giving away one necklace with someone's word on it. I started thinking about it and decided on "More." Now there are more beautiful words out there, it certainly isn't my favorite word, but I kept coming back to it. More could go both ways, but I don't mean more stuff or that I lack anything, because I don't. I have felt overwhelmed by our material blessings, especially as I have become more (there is that word) aware of some of the circumstances in our town. No, I just need more Me. My theme song will be "More Holiness Give Me" (the lyrics) and I will try to base my goals around that. I also need to be more calm, more patient, more persevering, more intuitive, more organized, more generous, more tolerant, more satisfied, etc. etc. So there it is. The beauty is that next year I can pick another word. I can hardly wait. Maybe it will be Enough

What I need less of is some poundage so I am participating in the Biggest Loser contest again. It starts on January 9th so if you or someone you know want to join you can see more here.

I reconvened our family motto discussion and the latest incarnation is "Thou Shalt Not Kill." Back to basics with the Law of Moses. I am thinking that will look really nice in some vinyl lettering over the front door. Wouldn't that be welcoming?