My baby is getting so old! He will be five weeks on Friday and the time is really flying by! I still haven't managed to take him to the doctor to be checked. I was told to take him at four days to check for jaundice, but I decided that surely a woman who had just given birth was not expected to get dressed, let alone drag her baby out into the cold, cruel world, just to check for yellow-ness. I looked at him myself and he looked quite pink through my bloodshot eyes, so we stayed in our cozy bedroom instead. I did make an appointment for his two week check-up and even arrived at the office on time and showered, but that is when things took a turn. I arrived and the receptionist informed me that they had changed the appointment to be with another doctor that I didn't like. Fine. Then as we waited and waited, my baby wanted to eat (after all it had been more than 20 minutes since he last ate and couldn't possibly have been expected to survive much longer). I asked if there was somewhere that I could feed him since the reception area was filled with coughing old men. I was told that I could go stand up in the bathroom. Thank you so much. After I fed him we then waited and waited while he continued to be fussy. I was walking around with him and my back started to ache. I could tell that I was becoming emotional about the situation, but told myself that it would all be over soon. I slowly read all the posters around the room and learned quite a bit about Irritable Bowel Syndrome and STDs. Then this guy who had arrived quite a bit later than we did was called back and I couldn't take it anymore. We had been there for 50 minutes! I quickly left the building and started crying when I got to my car and I arrived home still bawling. Matthew was very alarmed that I would return from the baby's appointment so overcome and instantly assumed that a horrible condition had been discovered, but quickly realized that it was just his tired wife. I cried all day and had to keep telling myself that surely I wouldn't be arrested just because we missed his two week appointment, right? Since then I have been trying to change doctors, but heavens, it is complicated and I just cannot handle much. So, no check-ups as yet.

Matthew's parents came for a few days and that was fun. Charles was ordained a deacon and we blessed the baby. I was stressed out so no pictures of that, just like the baptism. We are really bad about those kinds of things and then it comes back to haunt us. Lulu had to do a time line of her life with photos and it was hard to find some. There are periods of her life when we haven't had a good camera at all, so that is sad. Last week I found an old piece of paper I had written something silly on and then saw that it was the exact same date just four years earlier. I always look for meaning in coincidences like that, but rarely find any. I just read a wonderful book, "I Capture the Castle." Just like when I am eating dessert, I wanted more while I was still ingesting it. I was inhaling it to find out what happened in the story, but I would like to go back and savor some of the wonderful ideas in it. One topic that was mentioned was that most of the arts -- literature, art, music, etc. -- are peoples attempts at finding God. I think that is really true. Everyone is looking for meaning and truth and some way to express themselves.

I have been shopping a lot lately and eating. It is my way to cope with fatigue and anxiety. Unfortunately, I don't have the funds to support such habits. Luckily it is spring, so I can get busy in my garden and deep cleaning the house -- just as soon as I finish shopping for spring things,

I Will Survive

We seem to have survived the first day of baby without my mom being here. I had worried that we would either explode or implode, but things went pretty well. I guess that is the nice thing about life, it keeps on going whether you are ready for it or not and thus you have to survive.

This morning I decided to have a photo shoot with little Phin and he did not like it one bit. He really was good, but I wanted some sleeping ones and he didn't like being put down. So we went through several rounds of me feeding him, him going to sleep, me sitting there for a while just to be sure, then putting him down, him squirming so all the pictures are blurry, him screaming so all the pictures are not sweet, me feeding him, him going to sleep, etc., etc. He was good for some of them, but there were a few problems, such as: I need to be a photographer, I need to have a better camera, I need to know how to use my manual settings, I need better light. Alas, I am destined for a life of mediocrity.

Baby has been woken by yet another well meaning person wanting to hold him and he believes that if he is awake he should therefore be eating, Gotta run!

Hello Again

I was getting too depressed to write for a while. There was nothing to say or do or think beyond still being pregnant. Now we are doing much better. The baby is so sweet! His skin is impossibly soft and he has the sweetest rosebud lips. The smell of Tucks takes me back to when my other babies were born and I now realize it reminds me of falling in love. The recovery has been going smoothly, mostly because my mom is here to help. She has been doing everything and it has been wonderful to have her here. I don't remember being so tired and sore in the past, but then the first week of all of my children's lives is a blur. I hope that someday we can go back and watch the video of them as babies. It goes much too quickly!

Matthew has left for Iowa for a music festival. All of these things sound great when they are in the distant future, but then when the day arrives you realize how insane it was to plan an event for so soon after the birth of a baby. He has been practicing today, but I don't think he really feels ready. The biggest problem from our point of view here at home is that we only have one car, it is a very little car, and Charles and Ella both have places to be at the same time, I still don't know how we are going to work it, but I have very nice friends whose boys are on Charlie's team so I think it will involve them somehow.

We thought if the baby came on Monday we would name him Casimir, but no luck.  It is difficult to uncover any information about why we should get a holiday in honor of a man who died long before Illinois even existed, but I guess we won't argue with a day off.  Google was celebrating the birthday of Alexander Graham Bell on Monday, so I got lost on the internet reading all about him.  Inventors fascinate me because they were always solving problems and thinking.  How would that be?

Yesterday I spent the day getting ready for Activity Days which in the end was cancelled because of bad weather.  Even though I was all ready, I was still relieved to be able to stay home and not go.  I have come to the very heavy stage and every movement seems terribly arduous.

Today the cat and I took naps in the sunshine.  My bedroom gets wonderful morning light, so when the sun decides to show its face, we try to take advantage.  Even though it wasn't warmer than yesterday, the sun melted most of the snow and we didn't have to exert ourselves with shoveling.  So nice!

I cut the boys hair today so they both look handsome and my girls are lovely. 

lunacy

I am officially losing my mind.  It is very sad.  On Monday I completely forgot to pick up Cedric.  This was not just a matter of getting sidetracked and not realizing what time it was.  He simply did not cross my mind at all the entire day.  In fact, when they called to tell me, even the call did not flip a switch, as it were.  I just wondered why they were calling.  Then Tuesday morning I forgot to take my children to the dentist.  They had called on Monday afternoon to remind me, I had had it written on my calendar for a month, my calendar was open on the counter and I had referred to it that morning, but no, couldn't possibly remember.  What more can a person do?  I need an alarm installed into my head.  Charles has started joking that I say certain things, like that he doesn't have to do school tomorrow, and that I just don't remember saying it.  Taking advantage of my senility.  When I start being so remiss, I often wonder what else I am forgetting that I *never* remember.  I suppose I will not ever know, but it gets one to thinking...

We received the all time most adorable baby announcement from Jake and Candis.  Oh my!  So commences a new obsession.  I had already been preoccupied with the whole notion as I lay awake in my supreme discomfort (not that I mind, happy to do it, anything for my little one!).  This just gave me some new ideas to consider.  I don't know if I can pull off what I would like to do.  I have visions of taking great photos, but they always fall short of my expectations.  I would like to think it is the tool at my disposal, but it most likely is lack of experience, education, and dare I say, talent?

Time to put sillies to bed.

Happy Birthday Lucy!  

debut

I have been meaning to start a journal for some time now. I buy pretty notebooks and nice pens, yet nothing seems to be enough to prod me along. I have decided to change my tactic and plunk some words down online. We will see how this goes...

Last week we saw a funny movie called the T.V. set. There was a character in it that was 8 months pregnant and had the best line about "feeling this whole pregnant thing..." I cannot remember it exactly, because I happen to be 8 months pregnant myself, so such a thing would obviously be impossible, but it got me to thinking about the human condition -- and thus the title of my new blog. At first I was startled by how close her comment came to how I feel all the time and I thought, 'And I thought it was just me.' It made my strange thought validated somehow. But then later, I began to think that it was somehow minimizing my experience, turning it into a cliche. So there is nothing unique or unpredictable about my behavior -- simply the human condition. Kind of depressing in a way, unless you want to be like everyone else. I just finished reading the "Twilight" series. The same thing kept happening as I read those books. I would think, 'Wow, I have felt just that way before!' and then think, 'oh, it wasn't as special or unusual as I thought.'

Rebecca had her baby on Sunday. Always a relief that another baby made it safely into the world! She had been so worried and everything went really well. I cannot help but feel anxious, but I suppose that shows that I am not quite ready, I have to be at the point of absolute surrender, completely apathetic to whatever and however it happens -- just get the baby out! We are very excited. We could not have dreamed up the other kids, so it will be a delight to see the baby's face for the first time and get to know the new personality in our house.