no use crying over spilled milk -- but I really want to!

Complete and utter disaster just struck my house, I must have looked too bored or something.  Someone had left some milk on the table so kitty cat tipped it over to get a little drink.  Ooh, how maddening (said with sarcastic foreshadowing).  So Ella wiped that up for me.  Not two minutes later I opened the refrigerator and saw that there was some juice that didn't need refrigerating on the milk shelf so I decided to put it in the pantry.  It was packed in there with two unopened bottles of milk that was just delivered this morning and as I hefted it out the entire shelf decided to disengage itself from the door.  I was left holding the plastic bottle of juice as two half gallon glass bottles of milk shattered into bajillions of pieces onto the kitchen floor.  That really is a lot of milk -- more than I ever realized.  I looked over at Ella and said (screamed), "I don't even know where to start to clean this up!"  She calmly replied, "Why don't you start with the big pieces of glass."  Okay.  I grabbed a plastic bag and tried to slosh through the milk to find all of the glass, but then I heard a lot of dripping.  I turned with dismay as I realized that the milk was streaming under the bottom of the refrigerator and down the back stair onto all of our shoes!!!  It seemed impossible that the situation could get worse, but it was looking that way.  Our fridge is in a nook that used to be stairs and behind it sits three steps on which I put almost every single pair of shoes in our house.  It seemed like a safe place once upon a time.  The other girls got home from school right about then and wondered why there was milk going down the basement stairs.  I didn't know it was.  I grabbed some sponges and the three girls and I began to sop, sop, sop.  I only got one little gash from glass, and no one else did.  We got all the milk up first and then worked on wiping down all the shoes.  Most of it got in Charles' basketball and running shoes.  Nice!  Everyone disappeared as I worked on the final touches down by the washing machine and under all the food storage, but then I felt something hitting my head.  I looked up and saw that there was milk dripping through the drop ceiling above the laundry room.  I don't even know how it got there, but it must be because there is so much milk under the refrigerator.  But I can't move it and Matthew is teaching a class tonight.  I just gave up to gain some solace from my imac.  I love it.  I should name it.  I can't wait to see what my house smells like next summer.  It already has a nice 90 year old house aroma so this should just enhance it all the more.

The big storm has already started and I hear tales of all the stores being out of milk.  I realize that this was my punishment for feeling so smug and prepared.  Humility always strikes me swift and sure so I should have known.

portals

You know the phrase, "When God closes a door, He opens a window."   Well, my friend posted something about that on Facebook today so it got me thinking.  (I know!  What is that?)  My concluding deep thought was: (drumroll) Certainly, you can have a lovely view through a window, but it is pretty difficult to actually get anywhere (you could fall on your head as you try to maneuver your way out, for example).  Really what you need is for the door to open again or an alternate entrance.  Okay, I really should stop thinking, because now that I've actually typed it out I can't really see how that was helpful.  I read The Geography of Bliss and concluded that not thinking was really the way to go, so I'll try that from here on out.


Since as of this moment I've given up cogitation, I will avail myself of a list of pros and cons I found yesterday that we had drawn up a few months ago when considering whether to add another child to our family.   You may notice that the pros list is considerably shorter than the cons.


Pros

1. Heavenly Father told me
2. People will think we are going the extra mile (like 3 people)
3. A new person to love -- babies are pretty cute
4. I get to find a name -- my absolute most favorite part
5. Buy baby stuff
6. Not have to be RS president (ha!)
7. Spend the winter in bed (ha, ha, ha!)

Cons

1. Don't want to gain weight and have to lose it again -- the eternal struggle
2. People will think we are crazy -- um, yeah
3. I would have to actually be pregnant
4. I will have to go through labor again (I know I teach natural childbirth classes -- I'm a complete fraud)
5. Our house is already too small
6. We'll need a bigger car
7. Our sanity will be compromised
8. Diapers (even though I love cloth, no diapers is still superior in every way)
9. Have to potty train someone again!
10. No sleep -- I really like to sleep
11. Have to get a baby to sleep through the night again!
12. I'm getting too old
13. Nursing again -- I just figured out that I have breastfed for almost eight entire years of my life!  Hopefully I will be more excited when I'm actually holding the baby because it seems a little unreal at this point
14. Pushing our luck -- we have five healthy beautiful children already
15. Drawing out our parenting by three more years -- we had figured out that with Phin we already had 17 years of early morning seminary and that number has now been pushed to 20 -- it's enough to almost make one consider moving to Zion!
16. Going out with a bang -- my last two have been pretty mellow and I just don't know if I could handle an extremely fussy baby again -- it is quite troubling to contemplate

That was the list I compiled in a few short minutes one day during lunch.  If I wanted to actually think again, I imagine I could come up with one even more comprehensive and detailed.  I'm not normally a list maker, but you can see that this one was particularly helpful indeed.  It made all the difference.  Now can someone help me out this window, because I don't think I'm going to fit.

the circle of life

My oh my!  Things just seem so crazy lately and I also tend to "lose time" since I often find myself sitting in a chair staring off in to space -- how did I get here?  And how long have I been here?  Perhaps I should move.  The two major things that happened last week were that I had my first doctor's appointment and my first funeral.  I will start with the latter.


While we were in D.C. I received a phone call that a woman in our ward had cancer and not long to live.  They hadn't told anyone that she was sick so everyone was surprised and she only lived less than three more weeks.  I would have preferred having the first funeral I was kind in charge of being someone I didn't know very well because I felt not only very overwhelmed last week, but very emotional.  She was a wonderful woman who I had known ever since we moved here over seven years ago -- very smart and insightful, so pretty and graceful, very proper and dignified, and very private so of course she didn't want anyone seeing her as she became more sick.  My husband and I did a special dance with twelve other couples for a stake ball in November, I don't think I blogged about it, but it was a really fun experience and also funny when, as I was newly pregnant, my dress took about 20 minutes to zip up and I began to panic that I would be dancing with my underwear showing and also laughing at myself because when I had first bought the dress my "ever optimistic about my future weight loss" self had thought it would be too loose by the time of the dance... I am very good at digressing... anyhow, it was she and her husband who choreographed, taught, and led the dance.  He taught dance at ISU for years and they first met when he was directing BYU folk dancers and she was one of the dancers.  I am so grateful that we had that extra time to get to know each other better and I felt more equipped to offer some comfort to her husband because of that.  One of my favorite chats that I had with her was after we got back from France last year and she was dishing to me about how fashionable the french are and how when she would go on tour and had to travel very light she always felt so dowdy compared to them -- I could totally relate!  Same sturdy black shoes, day after day... It was a perfect example of how she always liked to look nice.  I had so much help from so many very willing people, it was just hard being the one in charge -- I don't like that!!!  Which I'm sure would make my siblings, husband, and children laugh since I tend to be rather bossy, but that is where I would like my stewardship to end thank you very much.  We made it through the funeral which was particularly lovely, and even managed to sing blotchy faced, and serve a luncheon.  My friend Joy posted a lovely tribute to her here.


In other news, I went to the midwife for the first time.  I really like her and am so happy with the choice, even though she is under a doctor I do not like - AT ALL, but I made sure to ask when I made the appointment if I ever had to see the doctor and they said no.  Superb.  They did an ultrasound so that was what I was most anxious about because I am so big.  And I'm not just being sensitive.  Everyone noticed.  Charles had taken to calling me octo-mom and then even nova-mom, even though I repeatedly assured him that more than five has never happened naturally.  She started the scan and I hurriedly asked if there was only one baby in there.  "Yes, I have looked all over and I only see one.  Are you disappointed?"  Big sigh, no, not disappointed at all.  I think that would've pushed me right  over the proverbial edge.  And next (you can see how worried I was about multiples given my priority here) I was so relieved to see that the baby looked healthy and well formed -- two arms and two legs already wriggling away.  It amazes me!!!!  Every time, I cannot believe how they're already completely formed by 12 weeks.  I kept having dreams I was bleeding so this was all a huge relief.  And for poor Matthew it made it all seem like much too much of a reality.  He kept muttering all the rest of the day about how there really is a baby in there.  I know!

Ella is still quite insistent that there is more than one -- that there are five girls performing an aquacade, who will all stay in formation, perfectly synced, until birth and won't we be surprised!  Yes, yes that would be putting it mildly.

holidays

I was just sitting down at my dining dream table dreamily thumbing through the latest House Beautiful whilst sipping some egg nog when along came my adorable and playful kitty cat who proceeded to first, sit directly in the middle of my magazine, and second, after I tenderly shoved her away, daintily dip her paw in my glass and coldly tipple the whole thing over!  I had just barely put a fresh tablecloth on, too!  I suddenly had something pressing to do and took it as a sign that I should change my activity and not be so lazy.  So after changing the cloth, wiping down the floor, chair, and table legs, and starting a load of laundry I'm here being industrious at the computer.  Maybe I'm singing different words, but it is pretty much the same tune, I'm afraid.

We had a wonderful Christmas and I hope that all of you did, too!  My kids always are so pleasant on the actual day and then this year we left early the next morning to drive to Washington D.C.  I can't believe how good everyone was in the car -- we even went one six hour stretch in the middle of the afternoon without stopping!  I really had some pressing needs, but with everyone else content I wasn't about to rock the boat so I suffered through it.  It did snow most of the way, but the roads were fine and we made it in good time.  Coming home was the same, just long, but no one too miserable.  Once again, my camera battery was always dead when I wanted to use it, but I did get some pictures from the last couple of days.

::Philo standing in front of the Philo

 ::listening intently to the very good tour guide.  I used to conduct tours of the capitol building when I was an intern, but now the security is so tight that you can't just walk around by yourself.

 ::I took this picture while I was waiting for people in the car.  Isn't the sunset colored capitol pretty?  I spent a lot of time on this day waiting, so one time I decided to charge my phone and camera while I waited.  I turned on the car to plug in my chargers and didn't realize the lights were also on so the next time I tried to start my car... it didn't.  I then asked a very nice man from Ghana to help me and he turned his car around on a one way street to help me jump my car.  So nice.

 ::after plenty of museum-ing the kids skated on a rink in the sculpture garden of the National Gallery

 ::a new (to me) memorial to FDR that was very nice and fun to play on

 ::Ella was cold and tired -- there were of course very cold temperatures in D.C. during our visit, with Illinois enjoying unseasonably warm weather -- we call it the Smith curse.

 ::Phin LOVED playing with his cousins.  I am quite sure that he wouldn't have noticed if we just left him there at their house forever.

 ::Doesn't it look grand?

 ::more romping

 ::Ella and Charles made it around the construction at the Jefferson Memorial long before the rest of us.  Can you see them?  The whole time we were there I kept insisting that Matthew imagine the cherry blossoms and he obliged.  I don't know if his imagination is very good, though.

 ::the horse riding police were a hit

 ::this time Phin didn't want his picture taken -- a change

 ::we kept noticing so many Charles' at the Vietnam Memorial and then we saw a Charles M. Smith

 ::being irreverent -- sorry!  he is not very containable -- Rebecca was so nice and kept him at home most days that we went into the city.

 ::another new memorial -- this one for the Korean War.  Everyone agreed that it was a little creepy, but in a good way -- it was very poignant

 ::waiting for the dad's to come get us.  They walked in the wrong direction, which I knew, but no one would listen to me so we played while we waited.

 ::lights at the Washington D.C. temple

 ::and a fun free concert which I didn't see the end of because of mr. wiggly pants

There you go.  And Happy New Year!  My goal for the year is to not completely lose it.  I have made more lofty goals in the past, but that doesn't make this  one more attainable necessarily.  What are your resolutions for the coming year?

ho ho hmmm

As I am wont to say, people are so funny.  Twice yesterday I heard people telling children, who were not their own I might add, that they better stop being so naughty or else they were going to call Santa and tell on them.  In both cases, the children were about three years old, maybe four, so the awareness was there, but not the emotional maturity to deal with someone threatening them like that.  One woman at the Dollar Tree, and yes I should remember where I was and take that into account before I get too critical, just went on and on to this one little boy and I can't believe his mother didn't just tell her to shut it.  The boy kept saying, "I'm not naughty!  I'm not!"  But the woman kept telling him he better stop being so bad or Santa wasn't bringing him anything.  I just thought it was so mean!  People!

I keep getting asked if I'm ready for Christmas.  Yes and no.  We try not to go overboard around here and that seems normal to me, but then I see what some people do and I am conflicted.  On the one hand I get a twinge of guilt that my kids Christmas isn't ever over the top and they might hear what Santa did other places, but usually I am just my typical self-righteous self and think that my way is much better because my kids really are always so happy and have never once been disappointed, bratty, or ungrateful.  Christmas morning is always a sweet peaceful event at our house.  So yes, I am ready with all of that.  I usually pick things up throughout the year -- my kids don't watch t.v. so they never know to ask for the latest thing -- and have adopted my friends' idea to get them four things: something to wear, something to read, something they want, and something they need.  I get to give them underwear and they receive something exciting (it's usually not the underwear that fits in that category) -- win, win!  The area in which I am not ready is Christmas cards, but I am going to do that today.  Yes I am.

It is hard to get too into things because Phin is sick this week.  He was vomiting on Monday and then now has croup and a severe viral sore throat.  When I asked if any of them were related, the doctor just laughed, implying that no, Phin is just very unlucky to have caught three separate illnesses at the same time.  That gives all of us a lottery, as it were, of what we might catch.  Yay! 

I hope that you are all enjoying the Holidays!!!

sing along

I woke up this morning with a lovely bass solo from the Messiah rolling around my head.  Last night we (I should say "I" since Matthew hightails it to the basement) hosted our annual Christmas Messiah sing along.  I cannot believe how much I love it!  The first year we had a very talented pianist who sight read the entire score, but since then we have played an mp3 and follow along with our own music.  It is so nice to be reminded of the beautiful words and we try not to be too irreverent as we laugh uproariously at our slaughtered rendition of the trills.  At the end of each song we breathe a long sigh and count it a victory if we at least got the last note right.

I couldn't help thinking about the Provo Tabernacle as we were singing.  And it makes me cry that it burned down.  I cannot even count the number of times that I have heard the Messiah there.  My parents sang in a chorale and we not only would attend the performances, but my siblings and I would be given free rein of the building while they practiced.  Truly we were supposed to be doing our homework, but it wouldn't take long before we set down our books and started exploring and hide and seeking.  Up the spiral staircase and across the steep top aisle.  Up even higher into the topmost seats.  Over to the side to a little nook too small and hidden to be a comfortable spot for anyone.  Oh, a little door into the rafters!  Unfortunately always locked (shoulders sag).  Back down and across to the back stand and down the narrow little stairway in the very back.  I can smell it and hear the creaky floor, feel the smooth polished shine of the banisters and benches, see the light coming through the magnificent stained glass windows.   


We also always had stake conference there so twice a year I would insist that we sit in the center top balcony where I could have the best view of all of the people!  I would settle right in and commence gazing slowly and methodically around the entire audience -- a funny couple, unruly children, pretty dresses, cute boys...  Then I would count how many people I could see from my school.  Oh, and of course I listened intently to the speakers.


I cannot think of another building that I knew so well and I mourn.

the cosmic joke

And... the Stac(i)e(y)'s have it!  I wasn't going to tell people so soon, but I'm not very good at keeping secrets at the best of times (think of the surprise lady on SNL rocking in the corner, "Oh my!  Oh my!!!)  but then 1. I feel a little bit like the Incredible Hulk with the way I'm already bursting out of my clothes so it was only a matter of time before we'd be getting the awkward glances.  I have tired of trying to find clothes in which I don't look too pregnant -- I was terribly worried about Stacey's party next week, so I would rather just let it hang out.  My body remembers too well how to do all of this, I'm afraid.  2. I'm constantly screaming "I"M PREGNANT" inside my head which makes it difficult to conduct a civil conversation, etc.  I guess the screaming in my head could be because of the pregnancy, being RS pres, my schizophrenia coming on (where does your mind drift when you're not thinking of anything else?  Not algebraic equations, not trying to find the cure for cancer, nor what can I do to help someone else today, just "Aaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!"), hormones -- it is difficult to decipher.  And 3. I kind of don't feel very well and don't want everyone to think my very sour expression is just a bad attitude.


Yes, a few weeks ago, on the 15 of November, I took a pregnancy test right after Matthew left for his 6:30 a.m. meeting and then went back to lay in bed and mull things over.  We have our usual frenzied Sunday morning in which I try to get as much sleep as I can, let the kids sleep in a little, and still make it to 8:00 choir practice.  It rarely works.  This morning was no different as we rushed into the church, only this time as I careen through the foyer my husband is there and grabs my arm with a strange smirk on his face saying, "The bishop wants to talk to you."  And I just KNOW.  I quickly whisper, "I took a test and it was positive," hoping to give him -- the person who is supposed to be protecting me, the person who has probably known about this for a while -- a painful jab.  I don't look back, just march toward my doom, and soon break into hysterical laughter (I wonder how often the bishop gets that reaction?)  It was just too funny.  And I have since spent the last several weeks shaking my head at the cosmic joke the universe has served up.


I recently met a friend's mother-in-law and told her how many kids I have.  A few minutes later as we were talking more about her she told me that she has two kids and her daughter is pregnant with her fourth child.  After a pause, she added, "By CHOICE."  It seemed rehearsed, like something she feels it important to say to everyone, because surely they must be thinking that her daughter must not know how to prevent pregnancy, because no one in their right mind would have that many children.  Well, I am here to say that this pregnancy, too, is by choice.  Well, more of a mandate from heaven, but not an accident, as it were.  One major reason I was going to go ahead and ignore the very strong prompting was that I do not want one single, solitary person to ask me if I'm planning on having 20 kids, etc.  I just might have to kick them in the face and that my pull my groin or something.  Don't say it!


In looking on the bright side, I have decided that it is better for me to  be pregnant while I have this calling than not pregnant because it will provide just the buffer I need for people to overlook my usual incompetence and shortcomings.  At the best of times I'm not extraordinarily organized, clear headed, or good with time.   And if someone is particularly whiny I can just look them over and say, really?  Really?  This same excuse should last the duration since I will have an infant for a while, too.  Brilliant!