My oldest son is 23 years old and has gotten married and had a baby within the past year. In the last six months or so he has been obsessed with talking to me about the wounds from his childhood that I caused. He's told me not to feel bad (oh, don't worry! I do!) but that he just wants to heal them. Okay, fine. I try to not get defensive and just listen, say I'm sorry, but he does this every time we're together! In September when I went to help with the baby, he'd corner me and want to talk about it.
I understand that he has real issues -- I was very young when he was little, he's the 2nd of 6 kids so he was there for my grumpy pregnancies and difficult first years of babies, he was the only boy with 3 sisters until he was 12 and he liked to bug them, my husband was in graduate school and we moved often... I'm sure he bore the brunt of my immaturity, impatience, and exhaustion. And yet! I loved him! I cuddled with him, read him stories, took him to the park, traveled the world -- we lived in Japan, France, and Spain (is going to museums a wound, haha), was an advocate for him at school, went to chess tournaments, basketball games, cross country meets, rubbed his feet when he couldn't sleep, I didn't yell when he was smoking pot in his bedroom, have been so supportive of his strange post high school choices, not to mention feeding him and keeping him alive!!!
This past Christmas we had everyone here and despite a stomach bug, we had a great time being together. But, there he was again, when we were alone, bringing it up. And the last night he says to me, " Mom, I have seen your soul. I know you better than anyone and I know you're more than just a mean person." Uh... I was speechless. Is that supposed to be a compliment? I wouldn't even use that word to describe myself. Moody, maybe 🙂 but that's obviously how he sees me.
So I finally looked at his chart last night and the very first thing in his first house is freaking Chiron!!!! I have often said that he was born mad and he really was! And it's aspecting Pluto and the moon? At this point he seems to only be remembering the harder times which isn't accurate, but regardless, he definitely has Mommy problems. He never says anything like this to his dad.
Did we even have a chance? Is this just our journey together? Can this relationship be saved? 🤣ðŸ˜ðŸ¤£ðŸ˜
1 comment:
I am a former bradley method student of yours (I failed by the way...but not for want of trying). I thought you were the most delightful human (I remember you expertly nursing your toddler and watching his little wiggly legs while you were teaching us) and hoping that I would be you some day. I have two boys now. I was moved to comment for the first time because of how heartbreaking this post is. They will never know how much I love them, just like I will never really know how much my mother loves me. And they will never really know us. I don't really know what I want to say other than...I don't want my boys to grow up and I never want to find out all the ways i've failed in their eyes.
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