Monday, May 24, 2010

what do I really want?

Sometimes it is difficult for me to translate my inner cues.  I start longing for things, but am unable to interpret what those things exactly are.  A hunger for doing something creative or "useful" is read as plain old hunger: a desire to write something brilliant translates into a hankering for pad thai; the aspiration to paint something beautiful is seen as a craving for that amazing burrito from the great Mexican place down the street...  Of course, it isn't always food (although the music on my yoga dvds always leaves me with an appetite for some naan and saag paneer -- why don't I have that dancers body I wonder), I often have to run to Goodwill or Target when I'm feeling particularly restless and a good weekend of garage sa(i)ling sometimes keeps the monsters at bay.  Do people who know what they want and are actually doing it content?  Or is contentment stagnation?  If we are growing, learning, wanting, searching, are we actually getting more satisfaction without realizing it?  I understand that not everyone thinks the way I do, but I am baffled by people who say they are completely fine with where they are and what they're doing (and perhaps a little envious, too).

These feelings all come to a head at transformative times like the New Year, springtime, school ending -- like now!  I always have lists and lists of things I put off and think I will have much more time to do them during the lazy days of summer -- finally painting the back door, deep cleaning the corners, reupholstering the dining room chairs, learning a new language, practicing the piano, putting down on paper the abstract ideas in my head.  However, every year when summer arrives I realize that realistically I probably won't get a single thing done until the kids are all back at school again in the fall.  Everyone being home is more chaos and romping, the yardwork and housework boil over, and we have to get our money's worth out of that pool pass!

I am happy.  I am thankful for my blessings, love my family, glad I have work and ability -- just pining for something and thought I would have figured out what it was by now...

this?
or this?

1 comment:

normal mom said...

You could always paint pad thai.

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