Tuesday, July 26, 2011

our story... is depressing

You know it's bad when your pregnancy center update says, "Your baby: week 1."  Tell me all about that, I'd love to know more.  This happened with Phin, too and I never could convince them that I was still pregnant.  I guess no one goes past their due date anymore, even though technically full-term is 38 to 42 weeks.  Today I took the kids to the children's museum and someone asked me when I was due.  I said I was past due and she started going on and on about how she was sure I was begging my doctor to induce, etc.  I said no, I'd been induced once and never wanted to do that again.  She then told me how she had never gone longer than two weeks before her due date and she was so uncomfortable, blah, blah, blah.  Like I'm not uncomfortable - ha!

On Sunday evening the Nauvoo pageant core cast put on a performance here at ISU called "Our Story Goes On."  I thought it was going to be like the pageant and include church history, but it really had no church songs or anything and was instead about families.  It started with a woman having a baby, comparing her experience to her mother and grandmother before her, which is a theme I cherish, then it moved on to young parenthood, children leaving, parents dying -- you know, life.  Real, down and dirty, life and I was literally (not metaphorically) bawling and thinking "life sucks."  And I don't say that lightly because I abhor that word, okay?  You can get all excited about a new baby, but you know it will last all of about one minute so what is the point?  I kept trying to get control of myself, especially because I've got Phin staring up at my face, completely distraught, "Mommy sad?"  "No," I reply through my tears, "Mommy is fine," as I shakily try to smile, but then they start singing Sunrise, Sunset and I am off again.  You can see the lyrics here if you, too, would like a good cry.  I think about Ella -- when did she get to be a beauty?  And Charles -- when did he grow to be so tall?  They were toddlers last week!  And I have regrets.  And then you mix all the emotion in with the contrasting thoughts of some days just being so long and tortuous.  And then a whole part about parents growing older and returning to see their families again in heaven.  My oh my.  I feel like I have my finger in so many pies.  Did we really shout for joy when we heard about this plan?  I don't know ...

So I thought of a great retort when people ask me how I'm doing.  And they're not just saying how are you, they're saying how ARE you, all inflected and sympathetic.  I thought I would just say, "Great!  Great with child, that is."  Wanh, wah.  Matthew didn't think it was funny either.

1 comment:

Jen said...

Dear Mary, I have felt your pain, and my heart is with you. No one has ever been pregnant forever. I can't count the number of times I repeated that to myself. You can do this. I hope my words of encouragement are too late, but if not, God bless!

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