mary mary commentary

My baby is getting so old! He will be five weeks on Friday and the time is really flying by! I still haven't managed to take him to the doctor to be checked. I was told to take him at four days to check for jaundice, but I decided that surely a woman who had just given birth was not expected to get dressed, let alone drag her baby out into the cold, cruel world, just to check for yellow-ness. I looked at him myself and he looked quite pink through my bloodshot eyes, so we stayed in our cozy bedroom instead. I did make an appointment for his two week check-up and even arrived at the office on time and showered, but that is when things took a turn. I arrived and the receptionist informed me that they had changed the appointment to be with another doctor that I didn't like. Fine. Then as we waited and waited, my baby wanted to eat (after all it had been more than 20 minutes since he last ate and couldn't possibly have been expected to survive much longer). I asked if there was somewhere that I could feed him since the reception area was filled with coughing old men. I was told that I could go stand up in the bathroom. Thank you so much. After I fed him we then waited and waited while he continued to be fussy. I was walking around with him and my back started to ache. I could tell that I was becoming emotional about the situation, but told myself that it would all be over soon. I slowly read all the posters around the room and learned quite a bit about Irritable Bowel Syndrome and STDs. Then this guy who had arrived quite a bit later than we did was called back and I couldn't take it anymore. We had been there for 50 minutes! I quickly left the building and started crying when I got to my car and I arrived home still bawling. Matthew was very alarmed that I would return from the baby's appointment so overcome and instantly assumed that a horrible condition had been discovered, but quickly realized that it was just his tired wife. I cried all day and had to keep telling myself that surely I wouldn't be arrested just because we missed his two week appointment, right? Since then I have been trying to change doctors, but heavens, it is complicated and I just cannot handle much. So, no check-ups as yet.

Matthew's parents came for a few days and that was fun. Charles was ordained a deacon and we blessed the baby. I was stressed out so no pictures of that, just like the baptism. We are really bad about those kinds of things and then it comes back to haunt us. Lulu had to do a time line of her life with photos and it was hard to find some. There are periods of her life when we haven't had a good camera at all, so that is sad. Last week I found an old piece of paper I had written something silly on and then saw that it was the exact same date just four years earlier. I always look for meaning in coincidences like that, but rarely find any. I just read a wonderful book, "I Capture the Castle." Just like when I am eating dessert, I wanted more while I was still ingesting it. I was inhaling it to find out what happened in the story, but I would like to go back and savor some of the wonderful ideas in it. One topic that was mentioned was that most of the arts -- literature, art, music, etc. -- are peoples attempts at finding God. I think that is really true. Everyone is looking for meaning and truth and some way to express themselves.

I have been shopping a lot lately and eating. It is my way to cope with fatigue and anxiety. Unfortunately, I don't have the funds to support such habits. Luckily it is spring, so I can get busy in my garden and deep cleaning the house -- just as soon as I finish shopping for spring things,