Tuesday, April 19, 2011

pin pricks

My husband and I escaped to the temple alone last week and it was so pleasant to be just us in the car for the 6 (!) hours.  Matthew was still really sick with a strange virus (which Phin subsequently caught and then developed into pneumonia -- yay for antibiotics!) so I drove and we talked about fascinating things like world peace, baby names, copyright laws, being nice (totally annoyed with the govt. right now, but won't get into that).  But for some reason I just couldn't settle into the peacefulness of the temple.  I had bad heartburn and I kept thinking rude and critical things about other people in attendance (why does that pregnant lady have everything tied under her belly?  That looks so ridiculous), but then I felt bad and Matthew reminded me that God wants to purify us one way or another so I can try to humble myself or be the recipient of some humbling.  So all night and the next morning I thought about how I should be more loving and charitable to people and then at yoga after our relaxation practice, our teacher told us to take the peace that we felt right then and use it to spread compassion to everyone we meet -- from the most intimate relationship to the slightest acquaintance.  Once again, all things come together to point me in the right direction.  It is so hard for me!  

On Sunday I have to give a talk in church.  I've been informed that with my calling I get to talk more often -- it is the gift that keeps on giving!  Of course, my topic is Easter and I just cannot get inspired.  Everyone already knows what it is about, everyone will be having lessons on it on Sunday -- I can't think of anything new and revelatory to say about it.  I really have been trying to work harder on my spirituality and with each push I feel like I become farther away from where I want to be.  Then last night I was reading in a book by Bruce Hafen that said that  the amount of truth that we comprehend is first like a pin prick and after growing it gets bigger into something like the size of a coin.  If you picture both circles in a vast white space of the unknown then the more you study, the greater the circumference touching the unknown and you have even more questions and even doubts.  Did that make sense?  I clutched at it with both hands -- yes, okay.  Anyway, I am hoping that my stupor of thought about my talk and my grumpiness at the temple is simply growing pains and pregnancy hormones and not that I am dead inside.

Do you ever question your truth?

My big boy is even bigger today -- Charles is 15!  I asked him a few weeks ago what he wanted for his birthday because I have no idea at this point and he said, "As long as you don't mind paying for all my athletics, etc. you don't have to get me anything."  Isn't that thoughtful?  I didn't even know he realized how much money we spend on him.  He really is sweet.  Did I mention that he offered a few weeks ago to make dinner every Sunday?  It is always pasta and without fail he will grumble about not having the exact right amount of the exact called for ingredients (I guess I improvise more than I realized and it shows how we are definitely not the same "type"), but still it was so out of the blue and so completely nice so I try to ignore the side benefits.  He came into the world like a tornado and he hasn't ever really slowed down -- my fastest labor, he always eats fast, moves fast, talks fast, just wants to get things done, gets ready for school in five minutes or less, whenever he gets sick (very rarely) he zonks out on his bed for a few hours and gets it over with, and has found the perfect sport in track and cross-country.  It is amazing how much he has matured in the last few years.  15 year old boys are a completely different creature than 11 year old boys.  I should stop writing, but just one more quick thing.  When he was in 5th grade I was homeschooling him because public school was just not working, but we usually had at least one big fight a day so I was discouraged and then at a basketball game I watched him walk across the court and was granted somewhat of a vision of his future.  I saw an aura, a glow, around him and was overwhelmed with the intensity of how much potential he has.  I know that everyone has potential, but I really needed to see it in him and it totally changed our relationship.  He is not mine to control, just my companion for a little while and I need to guide him in the right direction and help him find out how great he can really be.  A task for all parents with all of their children I suppose.


Normal Mom said...

Wish Charles a Happy Birthday from the Hafens! I was so touched when he offered to come and mow our giant lawn a second time in the blistering heat. That really says something about a person.
And I enjoyed my day in the temple, but found myself distracted as well. I only had about two minutes of peace while I was there. Maybe there is something in the air.
You'll do fine on your talk, use the scriptures and share your testimony---can't go wrong.

Stacey said...

The last part about Charles made me cry!!! How can he not end up nice when he has such great parents??? I think your other issues can all be blamed on pregnancy.

My name is Lexi said...

Happy Birthday to Charles!

Jen said...

1. You are not dead inside.

2. Yes I question too much sometimes.

3. I LOVE the vision you had! I had an instant imprint on my midwife, which ended up being a premonition vision of her helping me through labor. That is such a lovely way to have connected to your son, and I'm glad you shared.

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