I have a tiny tendency to worry about things. I worry about what to have for dinner and how much time I waste on the computer. I worry about my kids and how I don't parent them well enough. I worry about the horrible things happening in the world and my inability to do much about it. I worry about why my hydrangeas are only six inches tall even though I planted them three years ago. I worry about paint chipping off my house, water flooding the basement, what ward I'll be in next week (sorry I can't help but stew about it -- it could significantly alter my life!), and whether to reupholster the little chairs in the garage or just let them go. I also worry about completely inane topics like whether to leave comments on people's blogs. In February I mentioned that a very lovely artist was asking for people to submit stories about motherhood and she would paint little paintings about them. I was instantly intrigued and although I was a little hesitant to open myself up, I sent in a little story. She never responded, but I didn't think too much about it. I follow her blog and have seen her progress with these paintings and have eagerly awaited the end result. Yesterday she said that she was going to e-mail the people who sent in stories with their image and they had the chance to buy the original if they wanted. But she didn't e-mail me. I realized that in the back of my mind I have been worried that she didn't do mine because my story wasn't compelling or I'm just not cool enough. I worry about things I don't even know I'm worried about -- I will discover in July why my stomach hurts now! So I said something to Matthew about it. We carried on with getting people in bed. About an hour later I brought it up again, showed him her blog and wondered aloud whether I would get an e-mail from her.
Matthew: "Set a ten-minute limit in the day for worrying about any topic."
Me: (guffaw) What would I possibly find to do with all that freed up time? Should I comment on her blog? I'm not exactly sure what to say. I want to subtly figure out if she even got my submission without appearing too desperate.
Matthew: "tends to overplan and overprepare"
Me: I knew I should have just followed up with her just to make sure...
Matthew: "accepts guilt feelings too easily and readily"
Me: What are you reading?
Matthew: The color code book. You are SO blue.
Me: She seems so nice on her blog. Like we could be friends if I lived near her. I know she doesn't like me.
Matthew: Why wouldn't she like you? She doesn't even know you.
Me: She knows my name. It makes me sound like I am a boring, mousy, Amish farmer's wife with nine children and the only subject on which I am conversant is how to milk a cow. And I am sure that when I e-mailed her I was too chatty and friendly which probably put her off.
Matthew: "highly insecure about others' acceptance and approval; feels rejected easily; craves connection."
Me: Why are you reading me that book?
Matthew: I've been reading it all evening.
Me: Well, put it down!
Matthew: "controlling - others don't feel free to express themselves"
So I went ahead and commented, but she probably won't approve it. And I was going to go see Shannon Hale this evening because I just love her and think she is so talented and funny as all get out, but she will probably not like me, too and I am afraid that I would feel guilty for missing my girls' book night.
At least I am being true to who I really am deep down inside. I can't help myself.