Thursday, April 1, 2010

tragic flaw

I suppose that everyone is aware of their own weaknesses, but there really is nothing like having teenagers to truly bring one's deficiencies front and center.  Sometimes while we were traveling I could feel myself getting snippy, which I know is just immature, but then I would look over to see my two oldest smiling at each other with knowing looks, there goes mom again.  And it would just make me even more cantankerous.  I know already and I don't need you two pointing it out, okay?  Grr.

Since we've been back I've decided that I should finally pull my weight and do seminary duty.  After all, it has been almost two years and I have not one, single, solitary time taken the absurdly early journey to the church with eldest girl.  I had a baby after all.  As with all of my endeavors, I first  had to acquire supplies.  In this case a dvd player so that I can do yoga in a classroom while I wait.  Those extra 15 pastry pounds aren't going to simply walk away without some prodding, I am afraid.  I have been very diligent for the past four days and have enjoyed the solitude as well as the fact that I can't really just roll over in bed and not do it.  I have to go.  So yesterday I was happily following the routine and there comes a part where I am supposed to hold my breath, close my eyes, and start punching the air in front of me.  The guy said, "Become incensed!  Turn your anger into inspiration."  Okay, I am enraged, punching as hard as I can and I start thinking about who I would like to hit that hard.  My husband?  No.  My kids?  No.  Rush Limbaugh...?  And suddenly the only person I could picture was myself.  I had an intense revelatory moment wherein I discovered that there is really no one in the world that irritates me as much as I do myself.  Ooh.  It was sad.  And overwhelming.  I cried alone in that room and hoped that no one would come in.  I have been thinking about it since then.  Why was it such a surprise?  I suppose because I consider myself fairly self-confident.   Also, I have been considering that it is better than it being someone else I wanted to smack because I can't change other people, much as I might like to, but I can certainly introspect and work on refining some of those flaws that bring me grief time and time again.

Right after the punching there was a segment in which I hugged myself while doing twists.  There, there now.  It will be okay.


Ellen said...

Very insightful true.

Anonymous said...

I think Rush L. deserves it more. Or maybe that other guy, what's his name??

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