I suppose that everyone is aware of their own weaknesses, but there really is nothing like having teenagers to truly bring one's deficiencies front and center. Sometimes while we were traveling I could feel myself getting snippy, which I know is just immature, but then I would look over to see my two oldest smiling at each other with knowing looks, there goes mom again. And it would just make me even more cantankerous. I know already and I don't need you two pointing it out, okay? Grr.
Since we've been back I've decided that I should finally pull my weight and do seminary duty. After all, it has been almost two years and I have not one, single, solitary time taken the absurdly early journey to the church with eldest girl. I had a baby after all. As with all of my endeavors, I first had to acquire supplies. In this case a dvd player so that I can do yoga in a classroom while I wait. Those extra 15 pastry pounds aren't going to simply walk away without some prodding, I am afraid. I have been very diligent for the past four days and have enjoyed the solitude as well as the fact that I can't really just roll over in bed and not do it. I have to go. So yesterday I was happily following the routine and there comes a part where I am supposed to hold my breath, close my eyes, and start punching the air in front of me. The guy said, "Become incensed! Turn your anger into inspiration." Okay, I am enraged, punching as hard as I can and I start thinking about who I would like to hit that hard. My husband? No. My kids? No. Rush Limbaugh...? And suddenly the only person I could picture was myself. I had an intense revelatory moment wherein I discovered that there is really no one in the world that irritates me as much as I do myself. Ooh. It was sad. And overwhelming. I cried alone in that room and hoped that no one would come in. I have been thinking about it since then. Why was it such a surprise? I suppose because I consider myself fairly self-confident. Also, I have been considering that it is better than it being someone else I wanted to smack because I can't change other people, much as I might like to, but I can certainly introspect and work on refining some of those flaws that bring me grief time and time again.
Right after the punching there was a segment in which I hugged myself while doing twists. There, there now. It will be okay.