Thursday, November 12, 2009

music and worth

Tonight I went and sang at an assisted living place with about six other women from church.  It was so fun.  I just love to sing!  I was having to not look around at the people and/or think about the words I was singing because I was afraid I was going to start tearing up (snot running down her nose!), I get so emotional sometimes.  "For the beauty of the earth ♪♫ ... Yes, it is beautiful, and the skies are, too.  Oh, yes, and the love surrounding me.  (weep, weep, weep)

Yesterday I was even worse.  I picked up Ella from school and started the usual cross-questioning and torturous interrogation that comprises our usual journey home.  "Anything of note happen today?"  "Well, actually yes..."  She then proceeds to tell me that when she was in the bathroom before school started a girl went into the stall next to her, vomited a couple of times, and then started repeating "I hate myself, I hate myself" over and over.  That is SO sad!   Ella said that later she went up to her and asked if she was okay and the girl smiled and said fine.  Um, no, she is not fine!  I hurried in from the car and started cleaning something in the house and Ella looked at me and asked, "Are you crying?"  I then started sobbing and talking to Ella about how sometimes I've felt bad about myself and she probably does sometimes, too, but we know we are not alone and we have so much support.  I told her that she should go to school tomorrow and give that girl a Book of Mormon and tell her that God loves her and that we love her.  "Um, Mom?  I barely had the courage to ask her if she was okay.  She might beat me up." Alright, fine.  Matthew then came upstairs to see what was wrong because he thought that Ella and I were fighting.   "No, but there is a girl at the high school who hates herself!  Isn't that sad?"  I looked back at two people with their eyes wide, nodding their heads as they slowly backed away.... I know that this is not an isolated case which makes it even more tragic.  I was talking with a friend who made a very good point.  On the one hand, some of these kids might do well getting dropped off in the middle of the Sudan to see that just maybe their life isn't so bad.  True.  On the other hand, the world is so incredibly cruel and these emotions are real!  I feel like telling the devil and his minions to back off.  Stop telling everyone that they're not good enough and that they're worthless.  Stop tantalizing with the unrealistic and unattainable.  Stop desensitizing the horror and numbing reception to the things that are really important.  I am angry and I want to do something about it.

About gratitude ~~  I am a so thankful for music.  It always reaches down and touches me where I need it.  And I am grateful that I do know that I am worth something and that my children know that, too.  Let's go tell all those other kids now.

:: another pic of Ella on Halloween


Stacey said...

Mary, you crack me up!! I am visualizing Matt and Ella backing away from you with wide eyes while you are crying!! I agree that whatever that girl was doing is very sad. I feel so bad for teenagers.

Anonymous said...

so sad. But we wouldn't want Ella to get a black eye. Ha! Classic.

HARA said...

This is such a struggle for me, I've been in Young Women for what feels like an eternity, and yet, I can not reach the girls that need so much love. It is real, yes, their lives are not 'really' hard in comparison to say someone living in Sudan, but their self worth is every bit as real as girl the same age living across the world from them who loves herself. I fear, loathe, dread the day when I find my girls teenagers and hiding out in their rooms in tears. Yet, I did that and I'm seemingly well adjusted, at least I fake it pretty well.

corn fed girl said...

Ah, teenage years, It was the best of times,it was the worst of times. I wonder how I survived. I am grateful I had wonderful friends, but even w/ wonderful friends I didn't like myself. But I was able to keep busy enough not to do too much damage. The worst part about being an adult is knowing how some of these girls feel (ok, maybe not the vomiting on purpose part) & knowing you really can't do anything about it. We can do our best to love, support & help these kids as much as possible, but sometimes it just isn't enough. And that's the hard,awful part. Sometimes makes me not even want to extend any effort on my part. I'm so jaded. But then sometimes, as an adult, you can make a difference..even for a moment to help a kid stand up on their own two feet & then have them toddle off on their own stregth.

AndieF said...

I have no advice (for once! LOL). You know based on our conversation the other day that I am terrified about my children being teenagers. My teenage life was not good, but yet, I don't think that any adult really could have helped me. Or to be truthful, I just didn't BELIEVE that they could help me. And most of the other teenagers around me didn't know what my life was really like.


But there is somewhat happy ending to my story. I did make it through those years, and I think that I'm a pretty o.k. person now. And so far, my children seem to think they are THE BOMB. Could change in a few years, but for right now, I'm trying to be grateful. And trying not to freak out that I'll have a teenager in 2-3 years.

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