Monday, November 23, 2009
put in my place
I love Sundays because the time feels somehow different and the afternoons are quiet and long. I am so thankful for church! Every week it is a little crazy to get there and there is often some regret about my behavior as I urge the children to get ready in time for 8:00 choir practice without dad who has been gone since 6:30. I am sure that I seem quite surly before the meetings begin, and perhaps still in the middle as I wrestle with baby and shush chatty girls, but then there is always something that pulls me back and really speaks to me. Often during one of the talks I will feel chastened, but that is lightened by hope that I can and will try to do better. Last week there was a talk about how important our families are and that home is a place where we should feel safe. Yes. And then there was a talk about how if we don't have our ultimate goal in mind and a way to get there, it is very easy to get off track. She gave an example of an airplane flying to Hawaii. If the plane starts flying just a few degrees off course, then it would end up in the middle of the ocean and probably run out of fuel. Hmmm. It makes one think. Yesterday there was a talk about pride. He started by saying that often we don't feel like we are too proud because we don't have excessive amounts of money. When they mention costly apparel and ornaments I feel quite smug because I'm not the Queen of England and shop at Goodwill for heaven's sake. Certainly this is not directed at me. But even that self-satisfied and complacent attitude are symptoms of pride, the pride of someone from the bottom looking up. He quoted Ezra T. Benson:
[Pride] is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous.
And I start squirming.... but it is a good discomfort, an impetus to start planning and plotting to overcome my weaknesses and become more focused on what is important. I was telling Matthew that if I really did think that we were going to die on our trip I would probably be living my life differently ~~ dropping the unessential, serving, and loving. So I must not really think that we will go down in a fiery crash. I just keep talking about it so that it won't happen since nothing I actually intend to do works out anyway. My evil plan.